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Submitted on
November 6, 2012
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1.4 KB
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Sta.sh
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763
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Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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A thousand words I mustered
each word for you, more eloquent then the last.
A thousand breaths I breathed
each breath carrying my aching life unto your mast.
A thousand whispers I spread
each whisper conveying my lovers delight.
Unto you, do I bequeath my lover’s delight.

A thousand gems I mined
each gem tumbled, compared to your elegance.
A thousand cloths I refined
each cloth aches for the fair maidens tread.
A thousand roses I pursued
each rose anxious to home in your locks.
Strained - anxious to home in your locks.

A thousand songs I crafted
each song to clothe you in fine praise.
A thousand tears departed
each tear in remembrance of your face.
A thousand prayers I prayed
just to witness the bliss of being in your grace.
What more can I ask than to be in your grace?

A thousand days I waited
each day brimming hope in a hopeless heart.
A thousand burdens I weighted
each burden failing in shredding my love apart.
A thousand miles I distanced
each mile devouring upon my weariness.
For no distance can be conquered by my weariness.

Yet on the day our souls collide,
with a single utterance do you shatter
the thousand dreams that I had dreamed
just to be in your grace.
This is a work written for the contest of :iconlove-literature:.

I wrote it on spot but that does not make me say that critique it keeping that information in mind. I wrote it simple and expressive. Not much mysteries or aspect of sorrow that many of my works portray.

Though I have not been in love, I do wonder what the people who have experienced the feeling, are willing to do for a loved one. This poem is an embodiment of that perspective of mine.

For those who are kind enough to critique:

1. Did you enjoy the work?

2. Did the flow seem natural or did the expressions feel painfully forced together?

3. Did the analogies, limit of love work well or did it feel like random, unproductive ramble?

4. Did the ending go well?

5. General comments.

Thank you!

Edit: I have changed the line "A thousand dreams I dreamed" in the third stanza to "A thousand prayers I prayed" so that it does not conflict with the ending. That is the only change. Does it seem fine?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
I fear I must agree with ~DompteurLoup the words are pretty, refined, yet sound a bit hollow.
The strong feelings aren’t conveyed as such strong feelings of love. Yes you had nice phrases, nicely woven sentences but they lacked the punch most of your other poems have. The flow at times disrupted didn’t bother me as much as the emptiness of the words.

As a hopeless romantic, who has found the love of my life I can only say that you should try to give the words a more heavy, longing, lingering feeling. As if every moment without her could mean the end of you, being with her graces you, gives you hope.. makes your heart beat. You should write with more fire and passion when it comes to a proper ode and dedication to love. Alas it was a bit lacking in this poem.

The ending is a bit odd.. is it due to her love that all your dreams shatter - Did she abandon you?
Or did the thousand dreams dissipate because it became reality? Some more information would be nice.

All by all I loved the choice of words but the poem on itself could use some more work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Did you enjoy the work?

I enjoyed the work - it was different from the usual deviation submissions. Its gives me, as a reader, too many things to relate with - that's common, no doubt, but not too obvious or to abrupt.

2. Did the flow seem natural or did the expressions feel painfully forced together?

The flow was natural. It went to Persian perfection.

3. Did the analogies, limit of love work well or did it feel like random, unproductive ramble?

It was an Arabian feel - I felt I was reading the 1001 Arabian Nights, or some Persian myth from mythological Persia. That is a good thing.

4. Did the ending go well?

The ending... went well - it was aesthetically pleasing, and certainly more attuned towards Persian poetry than Arabic. It wasn't subtle - it was pristine. Well done with the ending.

General Comments: I like this work - its original, but not as original enough to be, say, like "reflection in the mirror".

I don't find any need of improvement, per say; I like it as is.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
I adore this! The title, particularly the third stanza, all of it! Very nice. :) 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking out the time to read this and comment, it means a lot! I am glad that you enjoyed it :)
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
You're welcome, and I did, immensely. I was tempted to read more, after this one. :) 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aha well I have the folder of poetry in my gallery :) it is up to you what you read - prose, poetry - better works :aww: and well, not all my works are that good but I guess everyone improves :)
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
Yes, I will return to it. It just was that last night it was hitting midnight, and I still had a few tasks to do before going to bed. But I will definitely revisit, soon. :) 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
mhmm, and I will revisit your gallery as well. It is quite interesting to read through~!
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
It varies :/ I started deleting things that I didn't like or wanted to rework, but then I'm not really producing much to put in its place. So, I have left it alone. 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I see. Well I am reworking some old work although most people prefer the older 'simpler' version - it is hard to properly rework a piece. I hope that you are able to do so but nevertheless, your gallery is good!
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontarzok:
Tarzok Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
:clap::clap::clap:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
Reply
:iconhassankamal8:
hassankamal8 Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
awesome piece of writing!
although i don't much like love and romantic poems! but this writing is simply beautiful! and in a good flow with best of variations and the awesome expressions!
I am a fan :D
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you Thank you :bow:

I am not much of a fan but the idea had the tinge of romance in it so I went along it. I am glad you like the expressions. I don't want this to come out as marketing but if you haven't read, "Tears of a happy ending" you will surely like it :)
Reply
:iconsilvergabetha834:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Professional General Artist
I really enjoy the flow of this.  As always your work is easy to read.  I got slightly bogged down in the double ending lines until the end.  Perhaps a little more subtle variation like you do in the second to last stanza at the beginning so that I am more drawn into reading each word instead of skimming over both lines as if they were one.  Other than that, a nice little love poem.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for reading this and I am really glad that you enjoyed this :aww: I am slightly... confused as to what type of repeated lines you had a problem with: The first stanza one or second stanza one? Thank you again :huggle:
Reply
:iconcharwee3:
Charwee3 Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This poem is beautiful I myself have not felt that love for another but the way you have portrayed the joy and the pure ache of this love just makes me want to find it. It's written well and is also a good length :)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh... did I never reply to you? Thank you for the wonderful comment :heart: I am glad that you like it and I am glad it didn't feel that long!
Reply
:iconcharwee3:
Charwee3 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Don't worry about it and you're welcome :)
Reply
:iconbrowncoatmando:
BrowncoatMando Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist
Even the title is good. It's a real attention grabber.
It's a better piece than I could even imagine writing.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Your kind words really mean a lot to me! And like I wrote in a work

"my my, gloomy contemplations lead nowhere"

I do think everyone has their own forte :) while poetry might not be yours, you might be well versed in some other form of literature. And then again... practice makes a man perfect :D

I didn't assume you were gloomy or that you need to cheer up ^^; it was just an expression to avoid looking pesimistically (ignore spelling mistakes)
Reply
:iconreinareinareina3:
ReinaReinaReina3 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconarandommoon:
ArandomMoon Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I enjoyed this work! I was amazed by all the beautiful analogies that you conjured and i didn't think it was rambling. Just something I thought, I felt as if the ending(last paragraph) was a little too quick. The lines "Yet on the day....utterance you do shatter" is great but I wonder why even though you had other analogies, you focused on the one about "the thousand dreams... in your grace." You could take a step back on that part and talk about how this lady shattered EVERYTHING, not just the dreams he dreamt since that narrator did more than just that for her. This is definitely a nice piece of work!!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for taking out the time to comment and go through my work :bow: I am glad that you enjoyed the work! The dreams has been focused on since dreams embody his wishes and over all everything.

Is there any other analogy that you think might be suitable instead of dreams?
Reply
:iconarandommoon:
ArandomMoon Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, ok. It makes more sense now. That analogy is the best choice! Then, you know how you wrote the analogy twice? I would recommmend putting the first one at the beginning so it has more importance instead of blending in with the others. That way, when readers get to the last part, they will recognize the line more easily and it will seem more important to them (repetition). Either way, great job!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hmmm... that is a very good advice! Initially I had thought the same but then I had to think of something that works with tears... I will look into it :) Thank you for your advice!
Reply
:iconiamjustasecret:
IAmJustASecret Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Enjoyed the word, even thogh it sounded like a monologue somehow, but that kinda made it interesting to read. The last sentence went well. That thousand dreams sounded like a clishe...
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your feedback! Monologue in what sense? Also dreams are not that original a concept if a number like thousand is added before them I guess.
Reply
:iconiamjustasecret:
IAmJustASecret Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well, just the way you talk, like one person's speech... Like that way---
Yeah, dreams in general are too popular around here
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, I see. Dreams are popular in almost every culture.
Reply
:iconfiyerotigelaar:
FiyeroTigelaar Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I enjoyed this quite a bit, the use of repetition was wonderful! nothing seemed forced together and things flowed well....at least in my head they did....The last 3 lines are most definitely my favorites! Well done my friend, well done!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for reading This! I am glad that you did enjoy it and thank you for your kind words! I was hoping that the flow isn't forced.
Reply
:iconfiyerotigelaar:
FiyeroTigelaar Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I didn't think it was forced at all and you are welcome :D
Reply
:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
To me, who has felt love for another, the words didn't hold the meaning. They seemed hollow of the emotion they were supposed to represent. The words and analogies do speak the love though, and the ending Is befitting. Because Love, like life, can shatter dreams and desires, no matter how old or numerous.

I commend your ability to properly word and compare an emotion you have not felt.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your critique! Like you said, I don't know what would make it more... say emotional. Perhaps, I will look into the even lines and see if I can work some emotion in them... Thanks again!
Reply
:iconredd093:
redd093 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
For me, it was an Ode that transformed into a story. But the phrase "with a single utterance do you shatter
the thousand dreams that I had dreamed", I'm left a bit confused. The way you worded it makes it sound like reality was the opposite of the speaker's dreams, which is causing his dreams to shatter like glass. Is this what you meant?
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for commenting and that is exactly what I stated :nod: he did everything for his lover but she rejected him.
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:iconredd093:
redd093 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Alright, wasn't entirely sure XP
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hope that the uncertainty is washed away :)
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012
Very nice. A couple of things though, second line down "then" should be "than" (sorry, but it's my pet hate).

Also "each castle doubtful over its ability to home you." to me this just sounds a little too technical. Maybe a smoother turn of phrase would work better?

Anyway, good work. I'm not sure about some of the expressions, but everyone expresses their love in different ways, so really I think they work just fine.
:)

My current aim is actually to write a sentimental poem, but each poem I write inevitably degenerates into angels, devils and cultists! Oh well, maybe next time!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well then try to stick to sentimentalism! Do not go to the cults :) It will help you... develop perhaps? :D
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Nah, I still love the cultists and everything, I just want to do other stuff as well! Variety is good :D
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yup, variety is always good :) Go for it!
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
:)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your help! I will change that mistake and look into the castle as well.

Eh I am not sure about them either ^^; this is not my forte but it just... kinda happened. I will edit it since I just was told that the submission deadline, which I thought was in a few hours, is now in december :)
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Like I say, it's really good! Best of luck with the competition too!
I'm still tinkering with my "sentimental" poem, and hopefully I'll get it finished soon. :)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I did change it a lot... does it read any better now?
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012
Excellent, it's a massive improvement. The expressions seem a lot more natural and genuine, before some of them seemed a little cliche.
The whole thing flows much better and is genuinely moving. Your own poetic touch shines through now - and it feels like I'm reading one of your works, not just another love poem. I just feel you've connected a lot more with the emotion you were trying to express.

Now, I really like it!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that it does look better. Thank you again for looking at this again!

I looked at it and did feel that it missed a lot of elements. I hope I filled some of them!
Reply
:iconsomnolent-droid:
Somnolent-Droid Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
You're very welcome, it was my pleasure.
It flows with genuine purpose and sincerity now :)
Reply
:iconsilvergabetha834:
silvergabetha834 Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2012  Professional General Artist
Bravo. The whole effect of the poem was strong and held my interest. The only image that didn't make sense to me was this line:

A thousand gems I mined
each gem to tumble while compared to your grace.

When I think of tumbling gems, I think of a rock tumbler making them smooth and clean, not rejecting them for something more beautiful. But perhaps I am reading it wrong?

Anyway, over all I sincerely enjoyed this piece. The rhythm was smooth and the topic sweet without being cloying. Lovely work.
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