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Submitted on
November 6, 2012
File Size
1.4 KB
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Sta.sh
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756
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29 (who?)
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56

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Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
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A thousand words I mustered
each word for you, more eloquent then the last.
A thousand breaths I breathed
each breath carrying my aching life unto your mast.
A thousand whispers I spread
each whisper conveying my lovers delight.
Unto you, do I bequeath my lover’s delight.

A thousand gems I mined
each gem tumbled, compared to your elegance.
A thousand cloths I refined
each cloth aches for the fair maidens tread.
A thousand roses I pursued
each rose anxious to home in your locks.
Strained - anxious to home in your locks.

A thousand songs I crafted
each song to clothe you in fine praise.
A thousand tears departed
each tear in remembrance of your face.
A thousand prayers I prayed
just to witness the bliss of being in your grace.
What more can I ask than to be in your grace?

A thousand days I waited
each day brimming hope in a hopeless heart.
A thousand burdens I weighted
each burden failing in shredding my love apart.
A thousand miles I distanced
each mile devouring upon my weariness.
For no distance can be conquered by my weariness.

Yet on the day our souls collide,
with a single utterance do you shatter
the thousand dreams that I had dreamed
just to be in your grace.
This is a work written for the contest of :iconlove-literature:.

I wrote it on spot but that does not make me say that critique it keeping that information in mind. I wrote it simple and expressive. Not much mysteries or aspect of sorrow that many of my works portray.

Though I have not been in love, I do wonder what the people who have experienced the feeling, are willing to do for a loved one. This poem is an embodiment of that perspective of mine.

For those who are kind enough to critique:

1. Did you enjoy the work?

2. Did the flow seem natural or did the expressions feel painfully forced together?

3. Did the analogies, limit of love work well or did it feel like random, unproductive ramble?

4. Did the ending go well?

5. General comments.

Thank you!

Edit: I have changed the line "A thousand dreams I dreamed" in the third stanza to "A thousand prayers I prayed" so that it does not conflict with the ending. That is the only change. Does it seem fine?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
I fear I must agree with ~DompteurLoup the words are pretty, refined, yet sound a bit hollow.
The strong feelings aren’t conveyed as such strong feelings of love. Yes you had nice phrases, nicely woven sentences but they lacked the punch most of your other poems have. The flow at times disrupted didn’t bother me as much as the emptiness of the words.

As a hopeless romantic, who has found the love of my life I can only say that you should try to give the words a more heavy, longing, lingering feeling. As if every moment without her could mean the end of you, being with her graces you, gives you hope.. makes your heart beat. You should write with more fire and passion when it comes to a proper ode and dedication to love. Alas it was a bit lacking in this poem.

The ending is a bit odd.. is it due to her love that all your dreams shatter - Did she abandon you?
Or did the thousand dreams dissipate because it became reality? Some more information would be nice.

All by all I loved the choice of words but the poem on itself could use some more work.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
4 out of 4 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Did you enjoy the work?

I enjoyed the work - it was different from the usual deviation submissions. Its gives me, as a reader, too many things to relate with - that's common, no doubt, but not too obvious or to abrupt.

2. Did the flow seem natural or did the expressions feel painfully forced together?

The flow was natural. It went to Persian perfection.

3. Did the analogies, limit of love work well or did it feel like random, unproductive ramble?

It was an Arabian feel - I felt I was reading the 1001 Arabian Nights, or some Persian myth from mythological Persia. That is a good thing.

4. Did the ending go well?

The ending... went well - it was aesthetically pleasing, and certainly more attuned towards Persian poetry than Arabic. It wasn't subtle - it was pristine. Well done with the ending.

General Comments: I like this work - its original, but not as original enough to be, say, like "reflection in the mirror".

I don't find any need of improvement, per say; I like it as is.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014
I adore this! The title, particularly the third stanza, all of it! Very nice. :) 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for taking out the time to read this and comment, it means a lot! I am glad that you enjoyed it :)
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
You're welcome, and I did, immensely. I was tempted to read more, after this one. :) 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Aha well I have the folder of poetry in my gallery :) it is up to you what you read - prose, poetry - better works :aww: and well, not all my works are that good but I guess everyone improves :)
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
Yes, I will return to it. It just was that last night it was hitting midnight, and I still had a few tasks to do before going to bed. But I will definitely revisit, soon. :) 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
mhmm, and I will revisit your gallery as well. It is quite interesting to read through~!
Reply
:iconanninhaxox:
Anninhaxox Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014
It varies :/ I started deleting things that I didn't like or wanted to rework, but then I'm not really producing much to put in its place. So, I have left it alone. 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I see. Well I am reworking some old work although most people prefer the older 'simpler' version - it is hard to properly rework a piece. I hope that you are able to do so but nevertheless, your gallery is good!
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(1 Reply)
:icontarzok:
Tarzok Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2014
:clap::clap::clap:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you :)
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