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September 4, 2012
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A stagnant moment it took to rise
for conflicts within, abstained my eyes
to divert from those slabs of stone.
A crime repeated, condemned, atoned.
Although such crimes are ripples of past,
such ripples, oh why you travel so fast?
Reminders of a crime repeated,
same words, same etches again mistreated.


Long ago intertwined with me;
was an essence of truth and serenity.
But Glad was I? No feelings did stir.
I cruelly stomped the love in her.
I ended a smile, I shattered a heart;
shred the web of love apart;
I swelled a tear in her forlorn eyes,
she closed those eyes, a sniff did rise.
A smile again, though very weak it was.
She bowed, and thanked, oh she hid the claws!
That tore at that poor soul, her soul did wear.
Stoned was I? Why did I not care?
To nurse and tend a flailing soul;
my judgment infected with pestilence deplore.


Repelled now by such sordid thoughts,
Will crying help? No! It will not!
I felt too, an ache of care, so now I
thrash through the ripples and scream out why!
Why appeared not before me retorts I sought?
Why be so cruel oh time? Let a lesson be taught!
Even if untaught it was, why reject her love?
My gazes ascend the heavens above.
Maybe emerged within a twisted craving.
It stalks obstinately the tree's engraving.
The eminence within it does not see;
the shell more than the core mattered to me.
To burden an engraving so unpleasant I resisted,
though I yearned to be burdened; but the craving insisted.
I cared more of what others desired,
for desires so empty, against your love I conspired.


Oh ripples remind me when our paths changed,
how she came across, her love unchanged.
How she nagged me not, how she just outlaid.
The very same words that now mark her grave.
But what of me? I scoffed and turned away;
gave little heed to her display.
Like sunflower to sun in day,
she smiled still and hoped and prayed.


Oh ripple remind me years later when it soared;
the wind crying "Oh that girl is no more!"
But alas one memento she left displayed,
a note addressed: "Are you ok?
Have you found the one for you?
The one I once yearned to be for you.
Do not worry oh friend for I hoped and prayed!
Through lonely nights which aided my decay.
I knew not back then what I should do
to be the perfect one for you.
But I realize now that fate it was that decreed;
your one true love could not be me.
I thank you still for the courage you gave!
That let me live to this present day!
But weakening I am, it's time for a goodbye,
my first and last… friend… forever… goodbye."


Never did I cry as much as I cried;
crying such cries as I cried that night.
In putrid spaces where she was found dead,
a smile lingered still, lingered no regret.
Upon the funeral, alone I stood.
The rain pouring; hiding tears as I stooped.
I seated beside her and gazed at the stone.
The rain halted, the clouds parted and a light shone:
"Dear friend, can you please answer my,
query, one I feel I can no longer hide.
But first, I love you, that is what I feel.
Now please be honest, do you love me?"
Diverted still, tears fill my eyes.
Oh time! You sure took time to let me realize,
that all these years I lived a life,
a life in which I lived a lie.
One of my beginning works. It happens not with one person but with countless when you have a person you love who loves you back but for the sake of your repute or teases from other people, you manage to "not love" them. Only later do you realize what your mistake was.

The preview image was taken from the stock of :iconanitajoy-stock: Thank you for letting me use it!

For those who would kindly take out the time to critique:

1. Did you enjoy reading it? Was it clear and concise enough?

2. Did the story, expressions, concepts work fine?

3. Did it have any emotional value?

4. General comments for improvement.

Thank you!
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:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Oct 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So to explain further what I mean, a yoda-style reversal is not actually grammatically correct, it’s only understood through common usage and cultural literacy. It isn’t a proper inversion. So if I say you have a yoda inversion, it is a simpler way of putting this explanation down without having to write it a dozen times.
Please understand something before I go off into the tirade. I'm not being a grammar nazi for the sake of my own satisfaction. You have real, serious grammatical clarity issues in some parts of the poem that make it difficult or impossible to understand what you mean. That is why I get on you so much about it. I'm not trying to be mean or superior, but you have incredible ideas that you want to express. And people can and will disregard you if you make it difficult for them to understand what you're saying or if you make amateurish mistakes. No one can be perfect, obviously. But the editor's pen must be like double-edge sword that cuts to the heart and soul of our works and like a crucible that reveals the impurities in the language so they may be scraped away. It is a disservice to you and your incredible potential to be anything less than unforgiving of linguistic mistakes.




[A stagnant moment it took to rise
for conflicts within, abstained my eyes (“abstained my eyes to divert from those slabs of stone” is an improper inversion. It is a complete thought but it has no subject-verb structure. I know you did this for the sake of the rhyme, but it turns out sounding like juvenile poetry.)
to divert from those slabs of stone.
A crime repeated, condemned, atoned. (this is a sentence fragment, but I can let it pass on poetic license)
Although such crimes are ripples of past, (“past” like you are using it here needs an article in front of it.)
such ripples, oh why you travel so fast? (you need a helping verb here like “oh why do you travel so fast?”)
Reminders of a crime repeated,
same words, same etches again mistreated.


Long ago intertwined with me; (this line is not a complete sentence, so you don’t need a semicolon. However, you do need a comma after “long ago” if I can take your meaning as saying “long ago” as a time period.)
was an essence of truth and serenity.
But Glad was I? No feelings did stir. (I’m not sure why you capitalized “Glad” but you also do not need to invert on the question. It sounds yoda.)
I cruelly stomped the love in her. (This is the introduction of a new idea and it would probably be a good idea to have it be a new stanza)
I ended a smile, I shattered a heart; (Proper punctuation for this would be a period where your first comma is, a comma where your semicolon is, and a period at the end of the next line. It feels like you’re guessing.)
shred the web of love apart;
I swelled a tear in her forlorn eyes,
she closed those eyes, a sniff did rise. (this is proper, but in my opinion it sounds a bit silly.)
A smile again, though very weak it was. (yoda)
She bowed, and thanked, oh she hid the claws! (I think you need a modifying conjunction here because you appear to want to show a contrast between the thanks and the hiding of the claws. So perhaps a “but” instead of the “oh” or adding the “but” before the “oh.”)
That tore at that poor soul, her soul did wear. (“Her soul did wear” is a complete sentence, so you need a period between the two of them. Additionally, the two sentences do not seem to be related. I think that’s a clarity issue. This stanza should be reworked, in my opinion.)
Stoned was I? Why did I not care? (really? You were intoxicated with narcotics at this time? That would explain why you did not care. If you mean beat to death with stones, as in stoning, then you might want to say “I was stoned by ____.” Because otherwise, you are stumbling on an English colloquialism which is slang for drug intoxication. And if you really do mean drug intoxication….well….ok then, it’s your poem. But it doesn’t make a lot of sense.)
To nurse and tend a flailing soul; (This is not a complete sentence so you don’t need a semicolon.)
my judgment infected with pestilence deplore. (These ending words do not slant rhyme, so it appears to muck up your rhyme scheme. But you can tell me differently if you like.)


Repelled now by such sordid thoughts,
Will crying help? No! It will not!
I felt too, an ache of care, so now I
thrash through the ripples and scream out why!
Why appeared not before me retorts I sought? (this sentence does not make sense. I cannot really tell what you’re trying to say, so I can’t really help you rework it. The only bit of advice I have for this one is that if you are talking about “why” the abstract concept, you should put it in quotation marks.)
Why be so cruel oh time? Let a lesson be taught!
Even if untaught it was, why reject her love?
My gazes ascend the heavens above.
Maybe emerged within a twisted craving. (This is not a complete sentence. It’s missing a subject. Maybe what emerged within a twisted craving?)
It stalks obstinately the tree's engraving. (What stalks?)
The eminence within it does not see; (This line and the line below it don’t need punctuation to link them. They are a complete sentence together.)
the shell more than the core mattered to me.
To burden an engraving so unpleasant I resisted,
though I yearned to be burdened; but the craving insisted. (“Though I yearned to be burdened” is a dependent clause. You need something before or after it to make it a complete thought. The “but” at the beginning of the second half of this line makes it so that the two sections are opposed in meaning, like a contrast. So it cannot complete the meaning of the first half.)
I cared more of what others desired,
for desires so empty, against your love I conspired.


Oh ripples remind me when our paths changed,
how she came across, her love unchanged.
How she nagged me not, how she just outlaid.
The very same words that now mark her grave.
But what of me? I scoffed and turned away;
gave little heed to her display.
Like sunflower to sun in day,
she smiled still and hoped and prayed. (See? I know you know how to write a good stanza that conveys good meaning with understandable grammar. That’s why I was so incredibly confused by the last stanza.)


Oh ripple remind me years later when it soared;
the wind crying "Oh that girl is no more!"
But alas one memento she left displayed,
a note addressed: "Are you ok?
Have you found the one for you?
The one I once yearned to be for you. (need a comma after “be.”)
Do not worry oh friend for I hoped and prayed! (If you’re saying something to someone while using their name like “how are you today, Noten?” you need a comma before their name. Because you say a complete thought first, then add their name for clarity and specification. So a comma before “oh friend” and probably one after as well so it is a sentence interrupter.)
Through lonely nights which aided my decay.
I knew not back then what I should do
to be the perfect one for you.
But I realize now that fate it was that decreed; (it was Fate. Please just say “it was Fate.” Also, “Fate” the personage or force of nature is capitalized since it is a proper noun, a name.)
your one true love could not be me.
I thank you still for the courage you gave!
That let me live to this present day!
But weakening I am, it's time for a goodbye,
my first and last… friend… forever… goodbye." (The ellipses are questionable. But I will let them go. Poetic license is your prerogative in this instance.)


Never did I cry as much as I cried;
crying such cries as I cried that night. (Yo dawg, I heard you liked cries, so I put a cry in your cry so you can cry while you cry. Seriously though, the repetition here might need a bit of rethinking. Usually repetition needs a bit of space between each use. It gives the reader time to breathe. So perhaps other words for cry, if you must keep the line structure the same.)
In putrid spaces where she was found dead,
a smile lingered still, lingered no regret. (this sentence would make more sense if you replaced the second “lingered” with “but.”)
Upon the funeral, alone I stood. (I know you’re doing this for the rhyme scheme, but please stop. It sounds like a bad translation from Japanese when you do. Inverting sentences solely for the sake of rhyme scheme sounds tacky. And you aren’t tacky. You’re a damn good poet.)
The rain pouring; hiding tears as I stooped. (No semicolon. “The rain pouring” is not a complete sentence.)
I seated beside her and gazed at the stone. (You’ve switched tenses a lot, so I can’t tell if you mean that you sat beside her or you were seated beside her. The former looks like “I sat beside her and gazed at the stone.” The latter looks like “I, seated beside her and gazing at the stone.”)
The rain halted, the clouds parted and a light shone:
"Dear friend, can you please answer my, (This right here, you did it earlier but I had to yell at you about something else. breaking a sentence mid-line to maintain the rhyme scheme is something that translators will do when translating poetry. Since you are writing originally in English, I assume, you don’t need to do this. It doesn’t sound good. It’s like a hiccup in the middle of the line. So take the comma away and scoot query up to the previous line. It’s not a hard word to rhyme with. Weary is an appropriate, rhyming word for this instance.)
query, one I feel I can no longer hide.
But first, I love you, that is what I feel.
Now please be honest, do you love me?" (“Feel” and “me” don’t rhyme. But I don’t hugely care if you don’t.)
Diverted still, tears fill my eyes.
Oh time! You sure took time to let me realize, (“You sure” doesn’t fit with the rest of the voice of this poem. It’s slang.)
that all these years I lived a life, (“life” and “lie” also do not rhyme, but that one is up to you.)
a life in which I lived a lie.]
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh and there are some questions in your critique as well! I will answer them when I change this work :nod:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your critique! I honestly am amazed how you even find the patience to work so much for the sake of someone elses work! I did realize that I was inverting a lot in this poem perhaps but I never guessed it had so many grammatical mistakes :hmm:. that is mainly because I am not a native English speaker. My grammer is "fine" when it comes to prose but I guess poetry does mess up my concepts. But I am glad that people like you help a lot :D

Also I am (in a rather sheepish manner) flattered by your customary support over my poetry and appreciation of my skills. I am not underconfident but I do realize myself that my skill is rather mediocre; not poor niether exceptional. I think you might find many problems in my latest work, "The sweet Bough of Autumn leaves" as well but well that poem is totally different from this one. Once again, thank you for your help!
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:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I had guessed that you were not a native English speaker. (Is Urdu your first language? A lot of your sentences sound like they could make sense in an East Asian language.) But I'm trying to teach you to move comfortably in the context of the English language and its poetic tradition. That way, you won't automatically peg yourself as a non-native speaker.
I have written some poetry myself in other languages (Spanish and Russian, not nearly as exciting.) And there is a particular method to go about. I would suggest that the next time you sit down to write English poetry, begin with grammar, then move to poetic devices like imagery and rhyme scheme, and only then do things like creative sentence structure.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah was it the fact that Pakistan is my country or did you deduce it mainly on my sentenses? Yes, Urdu is my first language. Though not really good in Urdu poetry, the language effect persists I guess.
I guess I will have to go deeper into your corrections to avoid making similar mistakes but English stresses too much on grammer in poetry :hmm: it shouldn't :D but then again if I am writing it English and want to publish stuff... I should avoid extensive mistakes.
I was never good with grammer or sentense structures - meaning I never really kept in mind verb subject and stuff. I wrote what seemed correct although I do alter that in poetry.
I would have liked to read your work in other languages but sadly I won't get them :hmm:
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:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It isn't very good. It's always difficult to break yourself from your native mindset to try to translate your native thoughts into foreign words. But you will find that the product is worth it when you take the time.

And yes, unfortunately English does not have the internal grammar structure of many more cultured or more ancient languages so syntax and conjugation are absolutes when trying to convey meaning. The tradition of English poetry has always tended towards long works with expansive convention. I can't change it, unfortunately. But I do honestly prefer it to the bare-bones, near non-existent thought patterns of the poetry of the far east. I haven't read much Arabic or Urdu poetry (I don't speak either, sorry). But I think that we are mostly in agreement about the methods.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Urdu and especially Arabic are extremely rich languages. Sadly I am not as rich in them as I should be. No problem if you cannot read them. After all one cannot master all languages can they?

English is a more difficult language than I thought but that makes it more convenient. I will try to keep track of mistakes in the future along with your help.
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:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll line-by-line this one too. But as a preliminary: sound like yoda you do.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah... YOda? Well I will wait for your critique :)
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:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
[link]

This guy.
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