I lived a lie

So to explain further what I mean, a yoda-style reversal is not actually grammatically correct, it’s only understood through common usage and cultural literacy. It isn’t a proper inversion. So if I say you have a yoda inversion, it is a simpler way of putting this explanation down without having to write it a dozen times.
Please understand something before I go off into the tirade. I'm not being a grammar nazi for the sake of my own satisfaction. You have real, serious grammatical clarity issues in some parts of the poem that make it difficult or impossible to understand what you mean. That is why I get on you so much about it. I'm not trying to be mean or superior, but you have incredible ideas that you want to express. And people can and will disregard you if you make it difficult for them to understand what you're saying or if you make amateurish mistakes. No one can be perfect, obviously. But the editor's pen must be like double-edge sword that cuts to the heart and soul of our works and like a crucible that reveals the impurities in the language so they may be scraped away. It is a disservice to you and your incredible potential to be anything less than unforgiving of linguistic mistakes.




[A stagnant moment it took to rise
for conflicts within, abstained my eyes (“abstained my eyes to divert from those slabs of stone” is an improper inversion. It is a complete thought but it has no subject-verb structure. I know you did this for the sake of the rhyme, but it turns out sounding like juvenile poetry.)
to divert from those slabs of stone.
A crime repeated, condemned, atoned. (this is a sentence fragment, but I can let it pass on poetic license)
Although such crimes are ripples of past, (“past” like you are using it here needs an article in front of it.)
such ripples, oh why you travel so fast? (you need a helping verb here like “oh why do you travel so fast?”)
Reminders of a crime repeated,
same words, same etches again mistreated.


Long ago intertwined with me; (this line is not a complete sentence, so you don’t need a semicolon. However, you do need a comma after “long ago” if I can take your meaning as saying “long ago” as a time period.)
was an essence of truth and serenity.
But Glad was I? No feelings did stir. (I’m not sure why you capitalized “Glad” but you also do not need to invert on the question. It sounds yoda.)
I cruelly stomped the love in her. (This is the introduction of a new idea and it would probably be a good idea to have it be a new stanza)
I ended a smile, I shattered a heart; (Proper punctuation for this would be a period where your first comma is, a comma where your semicolon is, and a period at the end of the next line. It feels like you’re guessing.)
shred the web of love apart;
I swelled a tear in her forlorn eyes,
she closed those eyes, a sniff did rise. (this is proper, but in my opinion it sounds a bit silly.)
A smile again, though very weak it was. (yoda)
She bowed, and thanked, oh she hid the claws! (I think you need a modifying conjunction here because you appear to want to show a contrast between the thanks and the hiding of the claws. So perhaps a “but” instead of the “oh” or adding the “but” before the “oh.”)
That tore at that poor soul, her soul did wear. (“Her soul did wear” is a complete sentence, so you need a period between the two of them. Additionally, the two sentences do not seem to be related. I think that’s a clarity issue. This stanza should be reworked, in my opinion.)
Stoned was I? Why did I not care? (really? You were intoxicated with narcotics at this time? That would explain why you did not care. If you mean beat to death with stones, as in stoning, then you might want to say “I was stoned by ____.” Because otherwise, you are stumbling on an English colloquialism which is slang for drug intoxication. And if you really do mean drug intoxication….well….ok then, it’s your poem. But it doesn’t make a lot of sense.)
To nurse and tend a flailing soul; (This is not a complete sentence so you don’t need a semicolon.)
my judgment infected with pestilence deplore. (These ending words do not slant rhyme, so it appears to muck up your rhyme scheme. But you can tell me differently if you like.)


Repelled now by such sordid thoughts,
Will crying help? No! It will not!
I felt too, an ache of care, so now I
thrash through the ripples and scream out why!
Why appeared not before me retorts I sought? (this sentence does not make sense. I cannot really tell what you’re trying to say, so I can’t really help you rework it. The only bit of advice I have for this one is that if you are talking about “why” the abstract concept, you should put it in quotation marks.)
Why be so cruel oh time? Let a lesson be taught!
Even if untaught it was, why reject her love?
My gazes ascend the heavens above.
Maybe emerged within a twisted craving. (This is not a complete sentence. It’s missing a subject. Maybe what emerged within a twisted craving?)
It stalks obstinately the tree's engraving. (What stalks?)
The eminence within it does not see; (This line and the line below it don’t need punctuation to link them. They are a complete sentence together.)
the shell more than the core mattered to me.
To burden an engraving so unpleasant I resisted,
though I yearned to be burdened; but the craving insisted. (“Though I yearned to be burdened” is a dependent clause. You need something before or after it to make it a complete thought. The “but” at the beginning of the second half of this line makes it so that the two sections are opposed in meaning, like a contrast. So it cannot complete the meaning of the first half.)
I cared more of what others desired,
for desires so empty, against your love I conspired.


Oh ripples remind me when our paths changed,
how she came across, her love unchanged.
How she nagged me not, how she just outlaid.
The very same words that now mark her grave.
But what of me? I scoffed and turned away;
gave little heed to her display.
Like sunflower to sun in day,
she smiled still and hoped and prayed. (See? I know you know how to write a good stanza that conveys good meaning with understandable grammar. That’s why I was so incredibly confused by the last stanza.)


Oh ripple remind me years later when it soared;
the wind crying "Oh that girl is no more!"
But alas one memento she left displayed,
a note addressed: "Are you ok?
Have you found the one for you?
The one I once yearned to be for you. (need a comma after “be.”)
Do not worry oh friend for I hoped and prayed! (If you’re saying something to someone while using their name like “how are you today, Noten?” you need a comma before their name. Because you say a complete thought first, then add their name for clarity and specification. So a comma before “oh friend” and probably one after as well so it is a sentence interrupter.)
Through lonely nights which aided my decay.
I knew not back then what I should do
to be the perfect one for you.
But I realize now that fate it was that decreed; (it was Fate. Please just say “it was Fate.” Also, “Fate” the personage or force of nature is capitalized since it is a proper noun, a name.)
your one true love could not be me.
I thank you still for the courage you gave!
That let me live to this present day!
But weakening I am, it's time for a goodbye,
my first and last… friend… forever… goodbye." (The ellipses are questionable. But I will let them go. Poetic license is your prerogative in this instance.)


Never did I cry as much as I cried;
crying such cries as I cried that night. (Yo dawg, I heard you liked cries, so I put a cry in your cry so you can cry while you cry. Seriously though, the repetition here might need a bit of rethinking. Usually repetition needs a bit of space between each use. It gives the reader time to breathe. So perhaps other words for cry, if you must keep the line structure the same.)
In putrid spaces where she was found dead,
a smile lingered still, lingered no regret. (this sentence would make more sense if you replaced the second “lingered” with “but.”)
Upon the funeral, alone I stood. (I know you’re doing this for the rhyme scheme, but please stop. It sounds like a bad translation from Japanese when you do. Inverting sentences solely for the sake of rhyme scheme sounds tacky. And you aren’t tacky. You’re a damn good poet.)
The rain pouring; hiding tears as I stooped. (No semicolon. “The rain pouring” is not a complete sentence.)
I seated beside her and gazed at the stone. (You’ve switched tenses a lot, so I can’t tell if you mean that you sat beside her or you were seated beside her. The former looks like “I sat beside her and gazed at the stone.” The latter looks like “I, seated beside her and gazing at the stone.”)
The rain halted, the clouds parted and a light shone:
"Dear friend, can you please answer my, (This right here, you did it earlier but I had to yell at you about something else. breaking a sentence mid-line to maintain the rhyme scheme is something that translators will do when translating poetry. Since you are writing originally in English, I assume, you don’t need to do this. It doesn’t sound good. It’s like a hiccup in the middle of the line. So take the comma away and scoot query up to the previous line. It’s not a hard word to rhyme with. Weary is an appropriate, rhyming word for this instance.)
query, one I feel I can no longer hide.
But first, I love you, that is what I feel.
Now please be honest, do you love me?" (“Feel” and “me” don’t rhyme. But I don’t hugely care if you don’t.)
Diverted still, tears fill my eyes.
Oh time! You sure took time to let me realize, (“You sure” doesn’t fit with the rest of the voice of this poem. It’s slang.)
that all these years I lived a life, (“life” and “lie” also do not rhyme, but that one is up to you.)
a life in which I lived a lie.]