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Devious Literature by Michel-le-fou

Literature by NekoWolf95

Literature Devious Collection by goddessofownage


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September 4, 2012
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A stagnant moment it took to rise
for conflicts within, abstained my eyes
to divert from those slabs of stone.
A crime repeated, condemned, atoned.
Although such crimes are ripples of past,
such ripples, oh why you travel so fast?
Reminders of a crime repeated,
same words, same etches again mistreated.


Long ago intertwined with me;
was an essence of truth and serenity.
But Glad was I? No feelings did stir.
I cruelly stomped the love in her.
I ended a smile, I shattered a heart;
shred the web of love apart;
I swelled a tear in her forlorn eyes,
she closed those eyes, a sniff did rise.
A smile again, though very weak it was.
She bowed, and thanked, oh she hid the claws!
That tore at that poor soul, her soul did wear.
Stoned was I? Why did I not care?
To nurse and tend a flailing soul;
my judgment infected with pestilence deplore.


Repelled now by such sordid thoughts,
Will crying help? No! It will not!
I felt too, an ache of care, so now I
thrash through the ripples and scream out why!
Why appeared not before me retorts I sought?
Why be so cruel oh time? Let a lesson be taught!
Even if untaught it was, why reject her love?
My gazes ascend the heavens above.
Maybe emerged within a twisted craving.
It stalks obstinately the tree's engraving.
The eminence within it does not see;
the shell more than the core mattered to me.
To burden an engraving so unpleasant I resisted,
though I yearned to be burdened; but the craving insisted.
I cared more of what others desired,
for desires so empty, against your love I conspired.


Oh ripples remind me when our paths changed,
how she came across, her love unchanged.
How she nagged me not, how she just outlaid.
The very same words that now mark her grave.
But what of me? I scoffed and turned away;
gave little heed to her display.
Like sunflower to sun in day,
she smiled still and hoped and prayed.


Oh ripple remind me years later when it soared;
the wind crying "Oh that girl is no more!"
But alas one memento she left displayed,
a note addressed: "Are you ok?
Have you found the one for you?
The one I once yearned to be for you.
Do not worry oh friend for I hoped and prayed!
Through lonely nights which aided my decay.
I knew not back then what I should do
to be the perfect one for you.
But I realize now that fate it was that decreed;
your one true love could not be me.
I thank you still for the courage you gave!
That let me live to this present day!
But weakening I am, it's time for a goodbye,
my first and last… friend… forever… goodbye."


Never did I cry as much as I cried;
crying such cries as I cried that night.
In putrid spaces where she was found dead,
a smile lingered still, lingered no regret.
Upon the funeral, alone I stood.
The rain pouring; hiding tears as I stooped.
I seated beside her and gazed at the stone.
The rain halted, the clouds parted and a light shone:
"Dear friend, can you please answer my,
query, one I feel I can no longer hide.
But first, I love you, that is what I feel.
Now please be honest, do you love me?"
Diverted still, tears fill my eyes.
Oh time! You sure took time to let me realize,
that all these years I lived a life,
a life in which I lived a lie.
One of my beginning works. It happens not with one person but with countless when you have a person you love who loves you back but for the sake of your repute or teases from other people, you manage to "not love" them. Only later do you realize what your mistake was.

The preview image was taken from the stock of :iconanitajoy-stock: Thank you for letting me use it!

For those who would kindly take out the time to critique:

1. Did you enjoy reading it? Was it clear and concise enough?

2. Did the story, expressions, concepts work fine?

3. Did it have any emotional value?

4. General comments for improvement.

Thank you!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So to explain further what I mean, a yoda-style reversal is not actually grammatically correct, it’s only understood through common usage and cultural literacy. It isn’t a proper inversion. So if I say you have a yoda inversion, it is a simpler way of putting this explanation down without having to write it a dozen times.
Please understand something before I go off into the tirade. I'm not being a grammar nazi for the sake of my own satisfaction. You have real, serious grammatical clarity issues in some parts of the poem that make it difficult or impossible to understand what you mean. That is why I get on you so much about it. I'm not trying to be mean or superior, but you have incredible ideas that you want to express. And people can and will disregard you if you make it difficult for them to understand what you're saying or if you make amateurish mistakes. No one can be perfect, obviously. But the editor's pen must be like double-edge sword that cuts to the heart and soul of our works and like a crucible that reveals the impurities in the language so they may be scraped away. It is a disservice to you and your incredible potential to be anything less than unforgiving of linguistic mistakes.




[A stagnant moment it took to rise
for conflicts within, abstained my eyes (“abstained my eyes to divert from those slabs of stone” is an improper inversion. It is a complete thought but it has no subject-verb structure. I know you did this for the sake of the rhyme, but it turns out sounding like juvenile poetry.)
to divert from those slabs of stone.
A crime repeated, condemned, atoned. (this is a sentence fragment, but I can let it pass on poetic license)
Although such crimes are ripples of past, (“past” like you are using it here needs an article in front of it.)
such ripples, oh why you travel so fast? (you need a helping verb here like “oh why do you travel so fast?”)
Reminders of a crime repeated,
same words, same etches again mistreated.


Long ago intertwined with me; (this line is not a complete sentence, so you don’t need a semicolon. However, you do need a comma after “long ago” if I can take your meaning as saying “long ago” as a time period.)
was an essence of truth and serenity.
But Glad was I? No feelings did stir. (I’m not sure why you capitalized “Glad” but you also do not need to invert on the question. It sounds yoda.)
I cruelly stomped the love in her. (This is the introduction of a new idea and it would probably be a good idea to have it be a new stanza)
I ended a smile, I shattered a heart; (Proper punctuation for this would be a period where your first comma is, a comma where your semicolon is, and a period at the end of the next line. It feels like you’re guessing.)
shred the web of love apart;
I swelled a tear in her forlorn eyes,
she closed those eyes, a sniff did rise. (this is proper, but in my opinion it sounds a bit silly.)
A smile again, though very weak it was. (yoda)
She bowed, and thanked, oh she hid the claws! (I think you need a modifying conjunction here because you appear to want to show a contrast between the thanks and the hiding of the claws. So perhaps a “but” instead of the “oh” or adding the “but” before the “oh.”)
That tore at that poor soul, her soul did wear. (“Her soul did wear” is a complete sentence, so you need a period between the two of them. Additionally, the two sentences do not seem to be related. I think that’s a clarity issue. This stanza should be reworked, in my opinion.)
Stoned was I? Why did I not care? (really? You were intoxicated with narcotics at this time? That would explain why you did not care. If you mean beat to death with stones, as in stoning, then you might want to say “I was stoned by ____.” Because otherwise, you are stumbling on an English colloquialism which is slang for drug intoxication. And if you really do mean drug intoxication….well….ok then, it’s your poem. But it doesn’t make a lot of sense.)
To nurse and tend a flailing soul; (This is not a complete sentence so you don’t need a semicolon.)
my judgment infected with pestilence deplore. (These ending words do not slant rhyme, so it appears to muck up your rhyme scheme. But you can tell me differently if you like.)


Repelled now by such sordid thoughts,
Will crying help? No! It will not!
I felt too, an ache of care, so now I
thrash through the ripples and scream out why!
Why appeared not before me retorts I sought? (this sentence does not make sense. I cannot really tell what you’re trying to say, so I can’t really help you rework it. The only bit of advice I have for this one is that if you are talking about “why” the abstract concept, you should put it in quotation marks.)
Why be so cruel oh time? Let a lesson be taught!
Even if untaught it was, why reject her love?
My gazes ascend the heavens above.
Maybe emerged within a twisted craving. (This is not a complete sentence. It’s missing a subject. Maybe what emerged within a twisted craving?)
It stalks obstinately the tree's engraving. (What stalks?)
The eminence within it does not see; (This line and the line below it don’t need punctuation to link them. They are a complete sentence together.)
the shell more than the core mattered to me.
To burden an engraving so unpleasant I resisted,
though I yearned to be burdened; but the craving insisted. (“Though I yearned to be burdened” is a dependent clause. You need something before or after it to make it a complete thought. The “but” at the beginning of the second half of this line makes it so that the two sections are opposed in meaning, like a contrast. So it cannot complete the meaning of the first half.)
I cared more of what others desired,
for desires so empty, against your love I conspired.


Oh ripples remind me when our paths changed,
how she came across, her love unchanged.
How she nagged me not, how she just outlaid.
The very same words that now mark her grave.
But what of me? I scoffed and turned away;
gave little heed to her display.
Like sunflower to sun in day,
she smiled still and hoped and prayed. (See? I know you know how to write a good stanza that conveys good meaning with understandable grammar. That’s why I was so incredibly confused by the last stanza.)


Oh ripple remind me years later when it soared;
the wind crying "Oh that girl is no more!"
But alas one memento she left displayed,
a note addressed: "Are you ok?
Have you found the one for you?
The one I once yearned to be for you. (need a comma after “be.”)
Do not worry oh friend for I hoped and prayed! (If you’re saying something to someone while using their name like “how are you today, Noten?” you need a comma before their name. Because you say a complete thought first, then add their name for clarity and specification. So a comma before “oh friend” and probably one after as well so it is a sentence interrupter.)
Through lonely nights which aided my decay.
I knew not back then what I should do
to be the perfect one for you.
But I realize now that fate it was that decreed; (it was Fate. Please just say “it was Fate.” Also, “Fate” the personage or force of nature is capitalized since it is a proper noun, a name.)
your one true love could not be me.
I thank you still for the courage you gave!
That let me live to this present day!
But weakening I am, it's time for a goodbye,
my first and last… friend… forever… goodbye." (The ellipses are questionable. But I will let them go. Poetic license is your prerogative in this instance.)


Never did I cry as much as I cried;
crying such cries as I cried that night. (Yo dawg, I heard you liked cries, so I put a cry in your cry so you can cry while you cry. Seriously though, the repetition here might need a bit of rethinking. Usually repetition needs a bit of space between each use. It gives the reader time to breathe. So perhaps other words for cry, if you must keep the line structure the same.)
In putrid spaces where she was found dead,
a smile lingered still, lingered no regret. (this sentence would make more sense if you replaced the second “lingered” with “but.”)
Upon the funeral, alone I stood. (I know you’re doing this for the rhyme scheme, but please stop. It sounds like a bad translation from Japanese when you do. Inverting sentences solely for the sake of rhyme scheme sounds tacky. And you aren’t tacky. You’re a damn good poet.)
The rain pouring; hiding tears as I stooped. (No semicolon. “The rain pouring” is not a complete sentence.)
I seated beside her and gazed at the stone. (You’ve switched tenses a lot, so I can’t tell if you mean that you sat beside her or you were seated beside her. The former looks like “I sat beside her and gazed at the stone.” The latter looks like “I, seated beside her and gazing at the stone.”)
The rain halted, the clouds parted and a light shone:
"Dear friend, can you please answer my, (This right here, you did it earlier but I had to yell at you about something else. breaking a sentence mid-line to maintain the rhyme scheme is something that translators will do when translating poetry. Since you are writing originally in English, I assume, you don’t need to do this. It doesn’t sound good. It’s like a hiccup in the middle of the line. So take the comma away and scoot query up to the previous line. It’s not a hard word to rhyme with. Weary is an appropriate, rhyming word for this instance.)
query, one I feel I can no longer hide.
But first, I love you, that is what I feel.
Now please be honest, do you love me?" (“Feel” and “me” don’t rhyme. But I don’t hugely care if you don’t.)
Diverted still, tears fill my eyes.
Oh time! You sure took time to let me realize, (“You sure” doesn’t fit with the rest of the voice of this poem. It’s slang.)
that all these years I lived a life, (“life” and “lie” also do not rhyme, but that one is up to you.)
a life in which I lived a lie.]
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh and there are some questions in your critique as well! I will answer them when I change this work :nod:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your critique! I honestly am amazed how you even find the patience to work so much for the sake of someone elses work! I did realize that I was inverting a lot in this poem perhaps but I never guessed it had so many grammatical mistakes :hmm:. that is mainly because I am not a native English speaker. My grammer is "fine" when it comes to prose but I guess poetry does mess up my concepts. But I am glad that people like you help a lot :D

Also I am (in a rather sheepish manner) flattered by your customary support over my poetry and appreciation of my skills. I am not underconfident but I do realize myself that my skill is rather mediocre; not poor niether exceptional. I think you might find many problems in my latest work, "The sweet Bough of Autumn leaves" as well but well that poem is totally different from this one. Once again, thank you for your help!
Reply
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I had guessed that you were not a native English speaker. (Is Urdu your first language? A lot of your sentences sound like they could make sense in an East Asian language.) But I'm trying to teach you to move comfortably in the context of the English language and its poetic tradition. That way, you won't automatically peg yourself as a non-native speaker.
I have written some poetry myself in other languages (Spanish and Russian, not nearly as exciting.) And there is a particular method to go about. I would suggest that the next time you sit down to write English poetry, begin with grammar, then move to poetic devices like imagery and rhyme scheme, and only then do things like creative sentence structure.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah was it the fact that Pakistan is my country or did you deduce it mainly on my sentenses? Yes, Urdu is my first language. Though not really good in Urdu poetry, the language effect persists I guess.
I guess I will have to go deeper into your corrections to avoid making similar mistakes but English stresses too much on grammer in poetry :hmm: it shouldn't :D but then again if I am writing it English and want to publish stuff... I should avoid extensive mistakes.
I was never good with grammer or sentense structures - meaning I never really kept in mind verb subject and stuff. I wrote what seemed correct although I do alter that in poetry.
I would have liked to read your work in other languages but sadly I won't get them :hmm:
Reply
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It isn't very good. It's always difficult to break yourself from your native mindset to try to translate your native thoughts into foreign words. But you will find that the product is worth it when you take the time.

And yes, unfortunately English does not have the internal grammar structure of many more cultured or more ancient languages so syntax and conjugation are absolutes when trying to convey meaning. The tradition of English poetry has always tended towards long works with expansive convention. I can't change it, unfortunately. But I do honestly prefer it to the bare-bones, near non-existent thought patterns of the poetry of the far east. I haven't read much Arabic or Urdu poetry (I don't speak either, sorry). But I think that we are mostly in agreement about the methods.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Urdu and especially Arabic are extremely rich languages. Sadly I am not as rich in them as I should be. No problem if you cannot read them. After all one cannot master all languages can they?

English is a more difficult language than I thought but that makes it more convenient. I will try to keep track of mistakes in the future along with your help.
Reply
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'll line-by-line this one too. But as a preliminary: sound like yoda you do.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah... YOda? Well I will wait for your critique :)
Reply
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
[link]

This guy.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh no no... I know Yoda :P
Reply
:iconcopperfield17:
Copperfield17 Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
If you read some of your inversions in his voice, you'll see what I mean.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:O I don't get that :hmm:
Reply
:iconanitajoy-stock:
AnitaJoy-Stock Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012   General Artist
Thank you for using my stock! :)
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcome and thank you :huggle:
Reply
:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I really enjoyed this poem. It has such a vivid story and strong emotions in it!
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your kind comment :huggle: I am glad that you enjoyed it!
Reply
:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem! :D
Reply
:iconbookbrink:
bookbrink Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
1. Yes, but I have a short attention span, so I don't know if it was clear because I wandered off a bit.
2.Yes, very much. I thoroughly enjoyed the way it was written and it's subject matter.
3. I'm sure it did, the last verse especially. Very beautiful
4. I don't know, maybe shorten it to make it an easier read, but gosh would THAT make me a hypocrite. You did a very good job, and if you want to change it, go ahead, but I think it's great.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for taking out the time to read this and for giving your feedback. I am glad that you enjoyed it! I don't know how to make it short but if I feel unecessary portions I will surely look into it. Thanks again!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
Long, but really interesting :D

1. I did like reading it :D
2. Yes, they did :D
3. Totally. It was very powerful.
4. Hmmm... Is there any way to break up the stanza's so one is not reading huge chunks of writing?
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for reading through and giving your feedback :huggle: and also thanks for the watch! It means a lot to me! As far as breaking up a stanza is concerned... I do have to break one of them, but I didn't break them too much since one stanza conveys one theme/portion. Yet I will look into breaking it :nod: thanks again!
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome :D It's the least I can do. I don't know, it might not bother some people, but it just seemed a little much XD
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Most people would prefer it short in my opinion :nod:
Reply
:icondrippingwords:
DrippingWords Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Student Writer
Sad, but true.
Reply
:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love your poems regarding love. They are so strong.
Very powerful finish, well done.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
THank you for your feedback :huggle:
Reply
:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012   Writer
Hey so I promised you a critique like a month ago, it took awhile but I'm here! :D

Firstly, your rhyming is amazing and the rhythm, astounding. Anyone who hates it obvious isn't reading it aloud this is so much fun. I appreciate someone who uses rhyming wisely, stone and atoned, that's so original I want to cry in awe :happycry:

The word choice is lovely too, I actually needed a thesarus! You put nouns and adjectives together well and with originality [this is key] I loved so many, but I'll only point out "putrid spaces" for now.

Improvements I would suggest is to use more similes, assonances, oxymorons [I could see you being good at those], metaphors, personifications and all those litereary terms. They add pizazz, flair and just opverall funkiness. Keeping playing with words and using all five senses if you can.
You've definitely had fun with story telling, though if I'm completely honest you did reitereate the same thing a few times, you could probably cut it down, but if you like long poetry good job. Epics are your thing evidently, but I think if you shortened it, you could keep your audience intrigued more.

Your Questions Answered:

1. Did you enjoy reading it? Was it clear and concise enough?

Honestly, it might have been too clear, but please don't worry about that. It was fine, you've found a nice balance between blunt and vague [don't be afraid to be extremely blunt though, that can be helpful and amusing, omedic poems are very blunt and sometimes it helps to shorten a piece]

2. Did the story, expressions, concepts work fine?

The story was a common one I've read, but your expressions made it an enjoyable read.

3. Did it have any emotional value?

...meh. Not particularly. Here I have a link to a video of a guy who has a really cute, emotional, adorable poem [link] His comparisons and similes and metaphors are astounding. You could learn a lot from him, I know I did (:

4. General comments for improvement.

I don't feel like repeating myself XD You're too wonderful already anyways! :meow:


Before I go I just need to say: NEVER STOP WRITING!! Keep practicing and keep reading others work to get ideas and inspiration. You're already much better than most people I critique! Stay lovely! :D

P.S. I totally never realized you wanted me to comment on a different piece, so I'm sorry :p I will do both though since I've already done this one (:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your detailed feedback :huggle: it is fine if you reached to it a bit late since I have been unable to be quick at critiques for several reasons as well :(

I do prefer concise works but at times with repetition, I feel that I am ommiting the flow if I remove a portion. But I will look into that. As far as similes and expressions are concerned, I realized it at one point that I have two different types of poetry; one is a story with little literary expression but more story, and the other is a work with little story but deep expressions. An example of similes and expressions would be [link] which I hope you will like. I am in no way trying to defend perhaps a lack of literary analogies in my last work but it is usually hard for me to combine both storyline and expressions. I have been able to do it in only ONE work yet and it is my best (not on DA yet).

Thank you again for your feedback, I will also look into the link that you gave :D and it is fine if you critique on any piece :huggle: thank you again!
Reply
:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012   Writer
You're welcome! I'm glad you appreciated my tardy critique :D

At least you're aware of it! Honestly either way you're amazing, and the on you wrote that has both proves that you are capable of doing it! :D I hope to read this supposed masterpiece some day (;

You're so welcome, you deserve it! You should, that whole poetry channel is good. I'm on there with some not so good poems, it just my local poetry slam café; there's lots of good stuff on it :D I'll be creeping you now :+devwatch:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you would read it someday as well :nod: I am also watching you in the hope of finding some wonderful works... and i hope that we both manage to be good watchers :huggle: Thank you for your appreciation but I am not that good :blush:
Reply
:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012   Writer
You're welcome and no! Never sell yourself short, you are honestly talented, you have a better knack for it than 80% of the people I've critiqued on here (: Thanks for returning the favour though, you're too sweet :meow:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
awww no, you are too sweet :tighthug: and well it depends on how well the book I am working on goes. :la:
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:iconpoeticperfectionist:
poeticperfectionist Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012   Writer
Nooo YOU'RE too sweet, you're so sweet that you would put splenda and sugar all out of business! :happybounce: (LOL what's wrong with me?)

Woot, good luck on your book, I tried once during nanowrimo, but then my laptop broke, so I only got to 12,000 words. You know, only :p Anyways if I could at least get that far hardly trying you should be fine writing and finishing your book (:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 8, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Haha I like the expression, it is cute :tighthug: and you were unable to complete your book?

The thing with mine is that it is very different theme based and the technique is also very different. I hope it works somehow :huggle:
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(1 Reply)
:iconbekahfeelsloved:
BekahFeelsLoved Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's so beautiful :D
I loved it :D
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad :hugge:
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:icontim0thytham:
tim0thytham Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful piece ^^ Amazing use of words my friend! Kudos to you! Keep up the amazing work! A life of lie indeed ^^
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the support :hug: it means a lot to me! I am glad that you enjoyed it!
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:icontim0thytham:
tim0thytham Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I understand it all the way ^^ My pleasures ^^
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:iconivylis:
Ivylis Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:wow: this is a really powerful piece, I'm kinda struck speechless. X.X
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your feedback :huggle: speechless? That is a strong word :D I am glad it felt that way!
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:iconivylis:
Ivylis Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Always friend. Haha yes speechless ! :huggle:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
yay :huggle:
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012
:clap: I'm truly speechless the entire story is simply brilliant. I loved the flow and the disruption of it at certain parts giving us more time to take it in.
And it really pushed and pulled us forwards towards the inevitable descend, that bitter end.

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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that you enjoyed it to such an extent :D I didn't want to force the rhyme so I did let the flow disrupt a bit. Thank you for your feedback!
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:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012
You're truly welcome my friend, it was wonderful.
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