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"A million..."

"Yes a million stars... perhaps there are more. You know what they remind me of?"

"What...?"

"Your birthday..."

"What of it...?"

"You know, I shall give you a million present-"

"Oh stop it!" She giggled "There is no way-"

"What if... I do?"

"Hmm... well I won't like that"

"Huh? Why not?"

"You see, if you give me a million presents together, there won't be anything to give on my next birthday. So give them slowly..."

"Like...?"

"Hmm... just one big present every birthday?"

She giggled again and traced the ground with her little fingers while the boy sat up to complain.

"But they won't make a million!"

"That is okay, it will be a million for me. Perhaps when we grow old it might happen"

"You will remain by my side till then...?"

"Of course I shall!"

"Promise...?"

"I promise upon the..."

"...million stars in the sky today" he spoke aloud as he lowered the forty-seventh bouquet of roses on a small, unapparent grave, his failing eyes shedding tears as he mustered a frail smile:

"Happy birthday"
:bulletgreen: Okay so I am sorry... I was trying to (and did accomplish as well) write happy works, works that are inspirational or perhaps less depressing ones but I just had to get this work off me. Initially the number was different but then I figured that children would pick up bigger numbers. I don't really see much mistakes in the work and while I am no longer a child, I hope the dialogues didn't feel out of place. It has also been quite some time since I last wrote prose so I hope this works fine.

:bulletgreen: It is in a way, a prose version of the work
The promise you madeThe breeze so cold; carrier of the sorrowful tiding;
Wingless Angels were we, yet my heart felt like gliding.
The steepness of your eyes, the endowed visage,
outshining the splendor of nature's foliage

Words wedged in the throat, too shy to be eloquent.
Thus I replied with a smile, yet happiness... distant.
I sighed, a deep slumbering sound, complimenting a tear
for reality had realized my worst nightmare.

Oh the days spent moseying through dense shrubs,
by the beauty of the summer spring where dwell the cherubs.
Oh we shared twice the sorrow as we shared each others pain
yet our memoirs, our companionship let the pain not remai
and is also based on a totally different time era from that work but... well I think the two titles in themselves explain how the two works seem to be related. And while some debate may arise over the ages of the two that could be inferred from both works being different, I am fine with it. I hope it sounds/hears as well as it sounds to me and that the reader is able to feel what I felt. Oh... I was just wondering; I don't have a really awesome title for this so if you have a better title in mind, do tell me :nod:

:bulletgreen: I have chosen the category as Fiction now, since... well it id not happen in real I guess. I still don't know where to put it though since there is no emotional or sad sub category in it but I guess I will have to live with it. Any advice is welcome :aww:

For those kind enough to critique:

1. Did you enjoy the work?

2. Was there any impact?

3. Did the addition of ellipses add a better effect (as compared to there being a few)?

4. General comments


Thank you for reading!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Did you enjoy the work?

I am taking this to mean Vision: Yes, I very much did. At first I thought that this work was written by *UntamedUnwanted (which was nice for the first half) till you provided the ending (which - thank God - was as close to a perfect shocking bittersweet moment as you can write). Keep up the good work - and stick to killing people.

Five Stars.

2. Was there any impact?

This means Impact: Yes, it did - but it somehow fell short... It seemed too real, and suffice to say reminded me of "Glass House" at times. Heck, in a way, I'll admit here that a reworking of one of my works is going to be very much influenced by this deviation - so to me, I felt... satisfied that at least there is a reference to work with... Yeah, that's about it - once its uploaded, I'll wait and let other people read what I've written hoping they'll like it. Cheers, then.

Four stars.

3. Did the addition of ellipses add a better effect (as compared to there being a few)?

This is referring to Technique: Yes, they work just fine - they are natural, and deliver perfectly... Curious enough, the italic emphasis makes this seem... vintage; When the second line comes, I almost swore that there was a forties jazz running in the background when you wrote this work. Well done there.

That, or I was probably listening to too much Louis Armstrong and watching The Green Mile (the third time) while writing this critique.

4. General comments

So far as the title is concerned, try one of the following: Erasmus, A Gift of Roses, My Gift to You, "... A million stars..." (in that exact form)... if this helps...

And well... you get five for technique (because, honestly speaking, I can't write like this, so kudos for control), but for originality, I'll admit I found myself emerging into the forties and fifties when I was done writing... It seemed too vintage in that regard...

Kinda like a Humphrey Bogart or Spencer Tracy feature picture, if you will...

Originality... a reluctant three and a half stars...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
There is probably not much I can offer albeit fair and broad-minded, but as a starter, the tone of the dialogue WAS visibly tender and romantic. In such moments, the lovers usually speak little. [Puabi and I almost say nothing.] I do wish I could spend a birthday like that nowadays. I would like to see a bit more by way of setting, however. A description of the stars and the darkness of the night sky, the glow in their eyes, etc, would read nicely; but that is MY style. They are very short sentences, seemingly interrupted by thoughts or whatnot. Charming.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Student General Artist
To tell the truth, my heart skipped a beat at the ending, I find this piece to be very powerful, sweet and sad at the same time.
This poem will remain in my mind for a while.Hug 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you :) I did intend it to be a strong piece so I am glad that it does give you a strong impact :hug: I hope you are feeling okay :heart:
Reply
:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student General Artist
Oh yes, the impact is very strong Heart 
And thank you, I'm dealing with a stressful time but things will be okay eventually Hug 
I wish you all the best. 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
aww... if you want to talk about it, you can note me :huggle:
Reply
:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student General Artist
Oh thanks Heart This is very kind of you, I'll keep it in mind Squish Hug 2 -  The Eye Poke 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome :)
Reply
:iconblacklily02:
BlackLily02 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
This is so sweet even the end which I think made it so brilliant. When I read the end I actually stared thinking more about what happened to her and how she died and I felt sympathy for him. for you question 3 I think it did I think it wouldn't happen been the same with fewer ellipses.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that you liked it :aww: thank you for the fav's and I left that as uncertainty. I just left it to the reader to think what happened. Thank you for your feedback!
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:iconblacklily02:
BlackLily02 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Student Writer
Welcome and it was really brilliant :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
Goddamned.. that ending ._.
a very lovely poem with a very heartfelt ending that describes true love.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that you enjoyed it :aww: Thank you very much for your comment on this work :D
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
Didn't expect such an ending to be honest, but it's brilliant.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
So it caught you off guard? That is good! I was afraid most people might say "coming from you... we knew SOMEONE had to die" :D
Reply
:iconpuzzledheartbox:
PuzzledHeartBox Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013
It indeed caught me off guard, and I enjoyed it that much more because of it.

Well... I wouldn't label you such a dark and dreary person but you do tend to have a tendency to do something like that, but it's refreshing in a way :).
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah :D refreshing! I am glad you think that way! yes, I don't think it was enjoyable if the ending was expected :XD:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Student Writer
... :(
The smile I had on my face disappeared as I read this. Not that that's a bad thing by itself, it means you managed to manipulate my feelings. :) Promises children make can be so simple and yet really big, so to see the old man actually keep his promise was heartwarming even though it was very sad.

I have no better ideas for the title, but 'off' should be 'of', I think. :aww:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah... so the :)->:|->:(?

lol I am glad that it was able to do that :aww: so I can assume you enjoyed it? :D I meant off as "lets get high off weed" :XD: although I don't smoke weed :D but no worries :) I will look at the title too :D

Thank you for your comment :huggle: it is sad I have been unable to look at your works but... I shall soon :(
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Student Writer
Sort of! It went like this:
:boogie: -> :O_o: --> :saddummy: ---> :iconcryforeverplz: (talk about mood swings!)

Oh alright, then it makes sense! :D Just forget what I said then. Yup, you can assume that I liked it even though it made me sad. I can't help but feel so sorry especially for older couples in which one of them dies...

That's not a problem at all! :tighthug: I just uploaded one for the first time in a month since I was so busy :grump: and I felt bad uploading stuff while I hadn't yet finished reading submissions from the people I watch... ^^;
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
haha no worries :) I get quite confused over the title myself :D Well in many of my works... SOMEONE dies :XD: which makes them sad :(

Well I feel the same way but if I were to satisfy the people I watch, I will end up posting once every 2 months :hmm: and I like the mood swings :dummy:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Student Writer
That happens to my works as well. ^^; Usually people end up dying. I wonder if that says anything about us? =P
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha... lets see... "Many attributes of hers... sweet little girl in the... waiting for her to come... the promise I made... nothing you can do... promise off a million...lily in the lake..." these works at least... have someone dying :D and we have similar (somewhat) teen letters :D so... what do you think they say about us?
Reply
:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Student Writer
For me, it'd be easier to list the stories in which someone DOESN'T die or is dead... :lol: I think it says that we're fearless writers who don't scare away from putting our characters in bad positions. :nod:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Well i have quite some variety and while most are depressing it is not ALWAYS the case that someone dies :XD: for me it is that we are writers to whom the emotion of sadness has a more profound impact than happiness :)
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(1 Reply)
:icon3nd0fw0r1d:
3nd0fw0r1d Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
It's... cute, yet grim. I love it. ^o^
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that you do :huggle: thank you for the comment and favorite :aww:
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012
I found the piece beautiful but yet sad at the same time. it is piece everyone can enjoy. i sure there have been time when in love one wants love to last the test of time and you piece show just how love does last the test of time.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the favorite and comment :huggle: I am glad that you enjoyed this piece~! I wonder if love will pass such a test but I would love to wish that it does. Although I would not want to impose, but I hope that you enjoy the work linked (with thumbnail) in the description :) Thank you for your thought!
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2012
i know this love always last the test of time if it is with the right person.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ah and the right person is the hard part of the calculation :)
Reply
:iconkallia-goldenwings:
kallia-goldenwings Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013
that is just so true
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