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poems I - sorrow, melancholy, and the self by shehrozeameen

Literature Devious Collection by goddessofownage

lit by Sparkey38


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Submitted on
December 28, 2012
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Sta.sh Writer
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"A million..."

"Yes a million stars... perhaps there are more. You know what they remind me of?"

"What...?"

"Your birthday..."

"What of it...?"

"You know, I shall give you a million present-"

"Oh stop it!" She giggled "There is no way-"

"What if... I do?"

"Hmm... well I won't like that"

"Huh? Why not?"

"You see, if you give me a million presents together, there won't be anything to give on my next birthday. So give them slowly..."

"Like...?"

"Hmm... just one big present every birthday?"

She giggled again and traced the ground with her little fingers while the boy sat up to complain.

"But they won't make a million!"

"That is okay, it will be a million for me. Perhaps when we grow old it might happen"

"You will remain by my side till then...?"

"Of course I shall!"

"Promise...?"

"I promise upon the..."

"...million stars in the sky today" he spoke aloud as he lowered the forty-seventh bouquet of roses on a small, unapparent grave, his failing eyes shedding tears as he mustered a frail smile:

"Happy birthday"
:bulletgreen: Okay so I am sorry... I was trying to (and did accomplish as well) write happy works, works that are inspirational or perhaps less depressing ones but I just had to get this work off me. Initially the number was different but then I figured that children would pick up bigger numbers. I don't really see much mistakes in the work and while I am no longer a child, I hope the dialogues didn't feel out of place. It has also been quite some time since I last wrote prose so I hope this works fine.

:bulletgreen: It is in a way, a prose version of the work
The promise you madeThe breeze so cold; carrier of the sorrowful tiding;
Wingless Angels were we, yet my heart felt like gliding.
The steepness of your eyes, the endowed visage,
outshining the splendor of nature's foliage

Words wedged in the throat, too shy to be eloquent.
Thus I replied with a smile, yet happiness... distant.
I sighed, a deep slumbering sound, complimenting a tear
for reality had realized my worst nightmare.

Oh the days spent moseying through dense shrubs,
by the beauty of the summer spring where dwell the cherubs.
Oh we shared twice the sorrow as we shared each others pain
yet our memoirs, our companionship let the pain not remai
and is also based on a totally different time era from that work but... well I think the two titles in themselves explain how the two works seem to be related. And while some debate may arise over the ages of the two that could be inferred from both works being different, I am fine with it. I hope it sounds/hears as well as it sounds to me and that the reader is able to feel what I felt. Oh... I was just wondering; I don't have a really awesome title for this so if you have a better title in mind, do tell me :nod:

:bulletgreen: I have chosen the category as Fiction now, since... well it id not happen in real I guess. I still don't know where to put it though since there is no emotional or sad sub category in it but I guess I will have to live with it. Any advice is welcome :aww:

For those kind enough to critique:

1. Did you enjoy the work?

2. Was there any impact?

3. Did the addition of ellipses add a better effect (as compared to there being a few)?

4. General comments


Thank you for reading!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Did you enjoy the work?

I am taking this to mean Vision: Yes, I very much did. At first I thought that this work was written by *UntamedUnwanted (which was nice for the first half) till you provided the ending (which - thank God - was as close to a perfect shocking bittersweet moment as you can write). Keep up the good work - and stick to killing people.

Five Stars.

2. Was there any impact?

This means Impact: Yes, it did - but it somehow fell short... It seemed too real, and suffice to say reminded me of "Glass House" at times. Heck, in a way, I'll admit here that a reworking of one of my works is going to be very much influenced by this deviation - so to me, I felt... satisfied that at least there is a reference to work with... Yeah, that's about it - once its uploaded, I'll wait and let other people read what I've written hoping they'll like it. Cheers, then.

Four stars.

3. Did the addition of ellipses add a better effect (as compared to there being a few)?

This is referring to Technique: Yes, they work just fine - they are natural, and deliver perfectly... Curious enough, the italic emphasis makes this seem... vintage; When the second line comes, I almost swore that there was a forties jazz running in the background when you wrote this work. Well done there.

That, or I was probably listening to too much Louis Armstrong and watching The Green Mile (the third time) while writing this critique.

4. General comments

So far as the title is concerned, try one of the following: Erasmus, A Gift of Roses, My Gift to You, "... A million stars..." (in that exact form)... if this helps...

And well... you get five for technique (because, honestly speaking, I can't write like this, so kudos for control), but for originality, I'll admit I found myself emerging into the forties and fifties when I was done writing... It seemed too vintage in that regard...

Kinda like a Humphrey Bogart or Spencer Tracy feature picture, if you will...

Originality... a reluctant three and a half stars...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconmichel-le-fou:
There is probably not much I can offer albeit fair and broad-minded, but as a starter, the tone of the dialogue WAS visibly tender and romantic. In such moments, the lovers usually speak little. [Puabi and I almost say nothing.] I do wish I could spend a birthday like that nowadays. I would like to see a bit more by way of setting, however. A description of the stars and the darkness of the night sky, the glow in their eyes, etc, would read nicely; but that is MY style. They are very short sentences, seemingly interrupted by thoughts or whatnot. Charming.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Student General Artist
To tell the truth, my heart skipped a beat at the ending, I find this piece to be very powerful, sweet and sad at the same time.
This poem will remain in my mind for a while.Hug 
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
aww thank you :) I did intend it to be a strong piece so I am glad that it does give you a strong impact :hug: I hope you are feeling okay :heart:
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:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student General Artist
Oh yes, the impact is very strong Heart 
And thank you, I'm dealing with a stressful time but things will be okay eventually Hug 
I wish you all the best. 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
aww... if you want to talk about it, you can note me :huggle:
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:iconalwaysraincheck:
AlwaysRainCheck Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Student General Artist
Oh thanks Heart This is very kind of you, I'll keep it in mind Squish Hug 2 -  The Eye Poke 
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Mar 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome :)
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:iconblacklily02:
BlackLily02 Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Student Writer
This is so sweet even the end which I think made it so brilliant. When I read the end I actually stared thinking more about what happened to her and how she died and I felt sympathy for him. for you question 3 I think it did I think it wouldn't happen been the same with fewer ellipses.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I am glad that you liked it :aww: thank you for the fav's and I left that as uncertainty. I just left it to the reader to think what happened. Thank you for your feedback!
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:iconblacklily02:
BlackLily02 Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Student Writer
Welcome and it was really brilliant :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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