Her Welcome She welcomed me in a place so distraught, yet her welcome refurbished the hut so luxurious. Such bounties are for those who earn them; a lucky fool I am to be close to her embrace, for she was the basil for my ailing; the wings for my flight; the breath for my life. But it was such; she was blessed a good heart for little wealth, an enchanting presence for a humble abode, an inquisitive mind for little education; she was balanced yet the scales tipped such that life was a fraught belonging.
Her Smile But dismayed not, a blissful existence; her smile like the sparkling stars that leave you in wonder why the Almighty created something so beautiful yet out of grasp. But today I mean to grasp those lights right out of the sky and clasp to my heart. She was lonely, but then again so are the stars. Thus I wish to pull her down to escape that prison.
Her Moods She is an ocean, exposed yet hidden; calm yet thrashing; a blue veil, veiling all the colors contained. Her moods make one want to search, to know the depths within these waters so that if the time comes, when the sea is in rage and turmoil, one knows the charm that calms the waves; controls them and the life within, so that no harm comes to new life or to the sea, for it shall remain a necessity for your sustenance of the soul.
Her Words Her words too registering soothing and calm, the rustling wind through the trees before autumn; as if a thousand whispers whispering thoughts that, though you don't get, you wish to keep listening till your last breath. Then the leaves fall off so gracefully with maybe a slight twirl; tracing a path with delicacy, adding to those already fallen. And then when the wind blows the whispers rise and fall with a melody a sad yet sweet melody, narrating tales of princes meeting their maidens.
Her Humility She is humble; in covering and within, her humility like the clouds, obscuring from the naked eye the bright beams of the sun so that no harm does come to the eyes and so that one does not truly see the nature and magnificence that the Almighty created the sun with. Thus magnificent, like the sun she is, covering herself in numerous shrouds.
Her intentions Her intentions pure and flawless; flawless for me; one made of flaws. Such that if the grail she hands to me is of a poisonous concoction but aware I am not and neither is she. I shall still sip from that grail and laugh, and be it death upon my doorstep, I shall not complain to the angel for I know with poison my fate was entangled yet her intentions were still pure and flawless.
Her love But a being such as her is a bounty; does a man like myself deserve it? Would I have brought justice to this creation or would I have repeated the mistakes of man? Though selfish I was and generous she is I pray; but not that she accepts the invitation that I am unable to now give but for mankind to be able to bring justice upon her. For my spectral existence in her hut means a lot to both me and her. For I reminded her on my deathbed I shall remain by her side; the basil had given me life which allowed my ghostly existence to reside in her hut.
Her Welcome Thus she welcomes me everyday in a place so distraught yet welcoming, with an empty, broken cup on the small table. She sits opposite to me with a smile hoping I shall hold her once again and smile. Knowing it shall not happen yet hoping. A fool like me, given her embrace, I truly am a lucky fool. But a fool that still hopes that this maiden is given love and justice I was unable to give.
This is a work I wrote quite a while back. It describes the different attributes of a Maiden from the perspective of a person (the author). There is actually a seperate work of mine "Faith in your Grail" that is based off the sub-portion, "Her Intentions".
The different attributes that I have explained in this work are such that they hold quite some importance for me in a way. The humility one and the intentions one. When I am invited to a friends or relatives place and the food is served, I never criticize the food since I feel that the good intentions behind them are enough for me to eat it. True, it might have poison but what would life be if you were to mistrust everyone?
Oh and I like humble people. I like men and women alike who are a bit concious over their composure and attire. Being humble does not degrade a person... at least for me it gives them respect.
I hope that you enjoy this work, it is one of my better ones. Those who are kind enough to critique:
Did you enjoy this work?
Did the analogies look good or did they seem exaggerated?
I enjoyed this piece tremendously. I realized you had a wonderful idea in mind: to paint a portrait of a maiden from all angles. However, it didn't leave much of an impact on me because the ending was so nebulous. I felt that perhaps if you make the ending just a tad clearer, it would create a greater impact.
I thought the analogies were well done. I liked how you started with her welcome and ended with her welcome --a full circle. Well executed. I also loved how you started from the outside and worked your way in. You started with her physical appearance, her beauty. Then you slowly got down to the very core of her being.
From what I gathered, the protagonist died at the end. It seems as though the drink she served him killed him. Although somewhere I feel as though that cannot be the case because of her kindness. But nevertheless, that's what I inferred from it.
Generally, this is a good piece. Yet I must touch on your tense and tone of voice. You began in past tense, then somewhere along the middle, you switched to present. Actually, I believe the switch happened at "Her Smile". I'm not sure if you intended it, and if you did, I could certainly see your reasons. However, I advise you to change the beginning. Right now, the tone is very passive --uninteresting to the average reader. But this piece has so much potential and it'd just be such a shame for a reader to glance away simply because of a passive tone. And it could fixed so easily too! Merely switch to present tense.
I've also noticed that there aren't many rhymes in this piece. I do detect a rhythm though!
In terms of what I thought this piece is about (themes and whatnot), I felt like it's about deception. Her smile is beautiful, she's so kind, the protagonist is madly in love with her and trusts her completely but she winds up killing him. Again, I could be wrong since the ending confused me quite a lot. Maybe he didn't die, or maybe he's just one in a long line of willing victims.
If all I've said just flew over your head, I just have to say this is a great concept, I enjoyed it, but please reconsider your tone.
Did the analogies look good or did they seem exaggerated?
They looked good - they were natural, they were humble, they were very specific. They didn't seem out of place.
What did the end explain to you?
That writing the ending's explanation would spoil the fun of reading this work. Need I say more?
It was very well written - the use of the subtitles and the description provided by the author of the maiden whom won his heart (suffice to say the ending was called for as well) must have been a noble representation of her kind.
Gosh, I'm so late again, seems like I can't write feedback on your works on time >.>
1) Yes, I did quite enjoy this work! It is very well written; and I like your idea of describing a maiden in all of those different aspects.
2) I liked the analogies, especially how you started with Her Welcome and ended with Her Welcome, kind of framing the content in between. I also don't think the analogies were exaggerated, but very fitting.
3) Well, first of all, after I read the ending, the title of that last stanza and its contet kind of seemed to stand in contrast with the last stanza's title. I gathered that the protagonist died, but is still present at the maiden's side. He seems to have died of a poisoned drink the maiden gave him, although I'm not quite sure because the protagonist seems to be speaking hypothetically in the stanza where this is implied (Her intentions).
4) The image that is created in my head while reading this maight sound a bit crazy, but I think of a beautiful woman sitting at a table, a spirit which takes on the form of a man sitting across from her, each regarding the other. The woman seems to be standing above everthing, and the ghost - the protagonist - remembers and reminisces, and even kind of tells the tale of how this situation came to be. But I think this piece could be understood in a whole other way, too. Like the protagonist is so blinded by this woman, and sees her only as an incredibly beautiful and kind person, that he lets himself be decieved and either doesn't want to believe she's killing him, lets himself be killed either way because he loves her so much or really doesn't know she's killing him. Either way, he apparently loves the maiden so much that he will stay by her side even beyond his death.
Thank you for your critique and no worries Now I will keep this short... because my browser has shut off 4 times and I don't want that to happen
I am glad that you enjoyed the work! And yes, the person is still there as a ghost and I like your image a lot The other interpretation... well I don't intend it since I don't like it but well... up to the reader
I noticed something right now, cncerning the title. Somehow "The many attributes of Hers" sounds a bit strange, like something doesn't quite fit. Maybe "Her many atrributes" would be better? Well it's just a thought
I would say yes I did enjoy this excellent piece of work! I liked how you divided it into section and described each with analogies and strong imagery (though I admit I had to read them a few times to fully comprehend their meaning ) My favourite section would be "Her Words" ! I love it ^^ !
Thank you very much for your detailed opinion over my work and for answering the questions I am glad that you enjoyed it and the different analogies and well... you are the first one to say "her words" (which I personally love best ) thank you again!
In the Wind Rises
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More