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Submitted on
November 22, 2012
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The wind breezed through curtains waving in despair.
A tinkle of bells danced from the devil's lair
ringing with a distressful purpose, chilling the wind
that coursed, while fire tormented a soul within.

The brazen hue of dust preserving memories of bliss
trembled with the soft breeze like a wavering kiss.
These memories - stashes untainted by dust lay open
on the hoary flooring next to a person lying broken.

Locks black as the iris enveloped in gloom,
glide like a fresh spring, watering flowers to bloom,
to give way to orbs shining with the last tears.
She looked up from the curse of seclusion over years.

She glanced as the devil jeered and jingled its bells
denying her the sight that would undo the spells
that scorched her heart; remains only arid waste.
This pain, this torment, is one she fights not to face.

She heaved as the lifeless cage bound tight,
with its spacious windows, boasting plentiful light,
darkened the glimmer that the gust falsely rose;
further withering a lonely withered rose.

Shook laughs in her mind, eerie laughs long dead;
rose flowers from their graves to be torn to shreds.
Not much essence of life remained in her alas
what was left, too wished to bleed away fast.

Yet a tinkle again - hummed a tinkle of hope
as the devil recoiled and the angels eloped.
The dust too vanished; it blew clear off the floor
as a bell tinkled lightly above the chamber door.

The light peering in through the widening crack
shone like blessings of heaven for the little shack
to echo again with laughter. Tears again rose
as her torment; her wait finally came to a close.

The stashes were bound, their contents unnamed.
Their melody was hushed, for new melody was claimed.
The shadows dissolved, wary doubt disappeared.
The devil was banished while the Angels prevailed.

She laughed and she cried as bells jingled around
the angels too smiled at such merry a sound.
The door was wide open; warmth openly spread.
Fresh sprouts bloomed anew from the withered flowerbed.
:bulletyellow:Okay... so this is not my typical writing style. I don't format works at all... (I do perhaps bold the crux of the work or format it completely but not in this way). This was for a competition by :iconpoetry-book: which needed formatting so I did it. I do realize that at the moment the story and emotions will not be the same as uneditted but try to ignore that for the time being (The judges won't be ignoring that). I removed the formatting :D

:bulletyellow:Hopefully the like it... I would like suggestions over editting since I am new to it. Any feedback is welcome, both for the work and the formatting but please don't include the formatting in the ratting if you critique. I don't want a 2 star in impact because someone did not like the formatting. That said, I will again ask to comment on the formatting as well. Separately perhaps.

:bulletyellow:There is a little reference to the "Chamber door" I know... I added it intentionally. Also, this work intermixes another work of mine which is one of my most well written works. When I upload that, you might know.

edit: I added a final stanza and made a few tweaks


For those kind enough to critique:

1. Since it is a poem to be formatted, do critique on the formatting with the story.

2. Now ignoring the formatting, did you enjoy the work (copy onto Word if you want).

3. Was the storyline vague or did it register well?

4. Any favorite line/portion you may have?

5. General comments.


Thank you!

Edit: I went on to the next round! Good for me! Now I have removed the editing for those who were distracted by it (no hard feelings to the wonderful group) but I also have the edited version (with myself) so if someone needs it (I don't think they will) they can ask!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkymira12:
Critique by Kymira12 Nov 22, 2012, 10:51:33 PM
I'll write my comment in a critique so that I don't have to keep scrolling :aww:

:bulletblue: Okay, so formatting first. I think what you need to consider most is the type of word you are using. 'Tinkle' is a more gentle sounding word so it should be in italics instead of bold. 'Fire' is a fierce word and it is never just straight forward so it would make more sense to make it in italics and bold or even like 'fire as if it's untamed. With your 'yet' it is confusing on why you did that since in general the word is redundant. Usually when you use the strike in poetry, you use it to tell the truth before you tell the lie for example, 'I'm not over him'. Do you get what I mean?

I liked the subscript that you used since it fits the story you're making. For your Devil's and Angels. Did you mean to make them the same as in bolded? I think to differentiate them Angels should be italicized and not bolded to allow them to represent different things and I also think that the way you have formatted those words is a little distracting and I think you shouldn't make them with spaces in between. Sounds are something you should consider applying that technique to like 'Echo', 'Blew' and after eerie 'laughs'. You don't always have to apply the same technique every time the word appears. I like words that you italicized though so you did a great job there.

:bulletorange: Ignoring the formatting it is an enjoyable piece though I did notice some minor things, mostly redundant words. 'further withering a lonely withered rose.' Further explains that the rose is already withered so we can already envision that in our minds. 'S-h-o-o-k' make me confused to be honest. I kind of stopped and had to re-read it but I still don't understand why it is there.

Also, you use both meanings of 'rose' and this is me being nitpickety but it is a little annoying since you have to read your poem a little slower to maintain the correct meaning and to me roses are a bit overused in poetry. Is there any way you could use a different flower that holds the same meaning? In saying that you repeat a couple more words which can also be changed like in the first line it could be 'breeze traveled' instead of using 'Wind' three times in the poem.

'to create an oasis[;] she is trying' is the only way it makes more sense to me but maybe I am missing something?

:bulletgreen: I think the story line was clear in some ways yet it was vague enough to be open to interpretation. You see when I read it, I took it as it's literal form. A girl trapped and then saved but when you look deeper I could find three different possibilities and for me that is what makes a great poet. Someone who can make a clear-cut image yet create so many different stories at once.

:bulletyellow: My favourite stanza is definitely 'Yet a tinkle again, hummed a tinkle of hope / as the d e v i l recoiled and the a n g e l s eloped. / The dust too vanished; it blew clear off the floor / as a bell tinkled lightly above the chamber door.' because I just love how it rolls off your tongue when you say it out loud.

:bulletpurple: I read this both out loud and in my mind and honestly, it sounds better being spoken. When I read it in my mind, the "flow" is stunted many times but when I read it out loud it sounds great (in most parts). Overall though, I did enjoy reading it.

This is only my opinion though so I understand if you disagree with any or all of it. Also, I'd like to apologize for any grammar mistakes in this critique. I wish you the best of luck in the contest either way :aww:
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconshehrozeameen:
1. Since it is a poem to be formatted, do critique on the formatting with the story.

Spacing in formatting doesn't work out unless you have the work in subscript or in italic.

d e v i l's will therefore become d e v i l's

use double strikethroughs to emphasize the presence of dust.

locks black as the iris enveloped in gloom

alongside

seclusion over years

remove the subscript from scorched

use h2 heading on Shook. Or make it longer, like this

Shooooooook

laughs her mind, eerie laughs long dead

the rest is fine.

2. Now ignoring the formatting, did you enjoy the work (copy onto Word if you want).

I didn't get it.

3. Was the storyline vague or did it register well?

It did register well... But it was like the breeze... Re-reading, though, gave it credence. And I'll give you marks for vision. The chamber door reminded me of "the Raven" for some reason.

4. Any favorite line/portion you may have?

The dust too vanished; it blew clear off the floor
as a bell tinkled lightly above the chamber door.
quote the Raven, "Nevermore"

General Comments:

This is going to take constant re-reading to fully comprehend...
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:icontheastrologist:
"These memories - stashes untainted by dust lay open
on the hoary flooring next to a person lying broken."
Probably my favorite line in this poem... it's a very intriguing hook.

What I liked most about this poem was it simplicity (in terms of the rhyming, of course—and not in a pejorative way). There's something refreshing about seeing a poem with that traditional AABB scheme, and its very consistent for the most part. There were of course some words that didn't rhyme, like take for example disappeared/prevailed... but I didn't feel as if it disrupted the flow (or rather rhythm) of the poem. There was also the rose/rose rhyme, which I was very surprised to see as a target of criticism in one of your critiques. Once again I don't see this as detrimental to the flow. From what I've read of poetry, (works of literature outside of deviantArt) I can tell you that this is very common, and I find it hard to believe that—despite the vastness and depth of the entire poem—that it's either appropriate or fair to allow a little excerpt alone reflect on a poet's creativity or imagination; it's like blinding yourself to the rest of the poem. I don't believe you should commit yourself too strictly to the rhyme scheme if it means excluding words that you feel necessary to the piece as a whole. But then of course this is just my opinion, and it's probably a little biased coming from a free verse writer like myself. ^^; However, I'm still glad to see you left it unchanged. :D

But overall, I really did enjoy it. It was was very beautiful and a pleasure to read. :) And sorry this is so long... I don't even know how that happened. This was originally meant to be a lot shorter. :confused: But anyways...

Nice work, kid. ;P
-Elizabeth
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Mar 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First of all, thank you for the detailed critique/opinion :)

Hmm... it is a unique portion - I mean not that too many people have stated their preference otherwise. Intriguing means good right? ^^;

mhmm - this is one of my 'simpler' poems in general though I do consider it as my better works. I am glad you liked the simplicity! rose/rose was a word play of mine and I personally liked it but then again everyone has their own opinions! I do agree with you on not forcing rhyme. I have done so at places in poems :) Maintain natural flow and don't stress on rhyming. It creates much better works at times!

I am glad that you enjoyed it! I am glad that you wrote a comment while not being short :huggle: I'd rather like you being frank and honest on my other works as well :)

Thank you again Auntie :heart:
Reply
:icontheastrologist:
No problem. :)

Well I remember referring to it as "my favorite line", so I'm pretty sure the word 'intriguing' wasn't a derogatory reference. Just a hint. ;P

And I agree completely. :D I personally liked it, as well... but yes, everyone has their preferences.

And haha, very funny. :stare:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well who knows if you are a dual personality which ends up in you liking and hating something at the same time :D

mhmm. Everyone is different!

I know right, it is funny :stinkeye:
Reply
:icontheastrologist:
Nice save. :P

No, it isn't. -_- You're making me feel old. D:

And good news, by the way... my writer's block is finally gone! :D
So relieved. :phew:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Well you call me a kid, i have to respond appropriately... how about Ma'am :dance:

I am looking forward to reading what you write! But take your time!
Reply
:icontheastrologist:
Don't even think about it. :|

I definitely will. :D I usually take forever when writing. And why are you always up so late? Don't you ever sleep? :-omean seriously, you can stay up till like 3. You're a real night-owl, huh? :XD:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Mar 26, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hmm... it seems like I am exploring your weaknesses :meow:

Also it is not late for me! It is 3 pm - 15 00 for 24-hour clock. So not really late.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconmetarukitsune:
MetaruKitsune Mar 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"Yet a tinkle again - hummed a tinkle of hope
as the devil recoiled and the angels eloped."
favorite line right there. it just demanded to be read over and over again. i admit my eyes hurt a bit but ah well. 
the format of the poem fit very well i thought. 
it felt like to me each stanza held it's own little mini story that overall built the big picture. if that makes sense? 
i absolutely love love love how you wrote this. it flows so well and the word choices you use are just fantastic. 
i envy you actually.. i've tried to be so elegant before in my writing but elegant is not something i can do often or well. 
so to sum that word vomit up there up- brilliant piece. :heart:
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Mar 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your heartwarming opinion :heart:

I am really happy that you find those lines as your favorite since I myself love them! aww your eyes hurt :huggle:

mhmm - I picked up this style in which each line is supposed to convey its own meaning rather than having partial meaning here and there. But there is no need to envy me :hug: you are yourself quite an amazing artist and there are many styles I too cannot write in Thank you again and I do appreciate the word vomit. :heart:
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