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August 11, 2012
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Nature is a name enshrouded in mystery. Some say it possesses a unique mind of its own and devises plans humans would be incapable of doing. It has secrets that are beyond comprehension of mortals. Yet at times, nature allows such secrets to be unveiled by a select few humans. One of such secrets is True Silence.

Silence

It was a still night – too still in fact. The overgrown pine trees lining the driveway rustled not the slightest, looming over, resembling silent guardians. The eerie northern winds along with its wailing notes had settled as dust in perforated holes behind door frames remained untouched. The wilderness too hushed as bats fled the area and grasshoppers and crickets bounded off, reclining from the aura that surrounded that house. If preciseness be employed then; that house on that very night.

While nature prepared its festivities for the next few moments, a girl lay under covers of a comfortable double bed, slowly noticing all familiar sounds around her diminish slowly till she was veiled in silence.

Silence

She kept still; not the slightest shift she took that broke the peace. Her heart thumped hard, yet quietly in her fragile chest, hushing up. Her breath was steady but it caught in her lungs for moments in which nothing moved inside the house. The swings of the crystal chandelier died out, scurrying insects buried into tiny fissure, the swaging tail of the Persian feline gradually steadied. For a few brief moments was ensured a brief moment of silence.

True Silence

Silence that reminds not one of the rustling paper…
silence that reminds not of the uninvited footstep closing on your door…
silence that reminds not of the knife thrusting in ones chest…

It was supposedly silence that weights itself upon you and suffocates till you cannot breathe. Yet the girl lying in her room realized at that moment that this supposition was nothing but a lie. A big white lie for she heard. She heard not in the silence but silence itself.

Silence

She heard strumming. Quick plucking as if sticky fingers of a professional danced at the fantasies that slumber deep in the artist's core, awakening once in a while to produce magic. Behind it prodded high and low, a sweet hum.

Excitement

She heard fluttering. Breezy flaps delicately paving way through the wind unto thirsty ears craving to know of the arrival of something beautiful and delicate as a butterfly in the world. Behind it prodded high and low, a sweet hum.

Joy

She heard thrashing. Wild intentions of nature let unto the world to be seen in the waves of the ocean as they rear high, thundering down on the shore, boasting both magnificence and power. Behind it prodded high and low, a sweet hum.

Anger

She heard rustling. Flaunting their spiraling paths, traced with beauty as their guide and the wind as their bearer, the autumn leaves fall off the boughs, accumulating on the leaf sprinkled earth. Behind it prodded high and low a sweet hum.

Sorrow

She heard a sweet hum. Devoid of an instrument it played, devoid of a medium it conveyed, devoid of a partner it swayed.

Silence

She had witnessed melody; the tune of her excitement, the peace of her joy, the thunder of her anger and the patience in her sorrow. She had heard them and yet not heard them for she heard them within true silence.

The silence vanished. The wind blew strong waking the house to creaking moans. The pine trees rustled as if whispering secrets. Bats shrieked in the neighboring skies. The crickets returned to their mating grounds. The tail flicked, chandelier swung, heart started beating and a sigh escaped, everything turned normal.

The girl realized then what true silence was. It was when ones inner emotions pluck at their instruments, letting one know the essence that resides in their heart. That essence is what distinguishes every person.

Yet as she lay there she was unable to decide upon the hum that sounded behind each emotion. It felt strangely familiar… like a fleeting smile of a loved one while they whisper "I will be back" and they never are… She shuddered at the memory and hugged her teddy bear before closing her eyes and wishing that the melancholic hum inside her heart was a recreation of the silence around her.

Alas nature works in mysterious ways.
True Silence is something not achievable. It is something that many don't get and others think they know it. While much of this seems made up... I did once hear the strumming and the hum behind it like a piano being played and I could tell... it was inside my head perhaps but it was not outside. And it was sinister.

Now if you have the time to critique it (which would be very welcome) this is what I would like to know:

1. Did the idea seem absurd to you? Explain and tell out of 5, how much it made sense to you.

2. Did it keep interest?

3. Did the language seem fine or overdone?

4. Was the end, if not very impressive, satisfying?

5. Did it have any effect on say... your emotional side?

6. General comments.


Thank you!
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:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
1. This was in no way absurd. I relate it to the calming of one's mind and heart, and finding a peaceful place where only nature makes the sounds, and spotting the miniscule pauses between each sound. Out of 5, it was about a 4, because how you perceive it it is different than how I do.
2. At first glance, I was hesitant to start, because the longer a text is, the less likely I am to read it. But once I started reading, I got pulled into the words and began reciting them out loud to better grasp them.
3. To me, the writing and words used was great. It painted a clear picture in my mind of the scene, and it sent a slight, constant shiver down my spine as the words sunk-in and I understood them.
4. I enjoyed the ending, though personally I would have used a different finishing line. Such as "Once the world quiets, you can hear your true self." or something similar.
5. Fantastic work. It made me remember several moments late at night when I felt on the verge of finally hearing what it is to hear nothing, though sadly those were cut short do to my dogs... However, the combined experiences of those close realizations makes me wonder what it was I would have heard in those truly silent moments. Would it be who I truly am? Would it be something life changing and inspirational? Or would it be something dark and frightening? Reading this, I crave the knowledge that True Silence can bring.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for your in-depth critique and your kind words! I am glad that there was another perspective you managed to get out of this and that it related to you. The concept of true silence is meant to have multiple interpretations.

I am pleased that the language also appealed to you and I hope that you are able to listen to what I was able to that one time. I have only once... literally for a moment been able to experience true silence.

P.S I will properly critique your works soon enough as well, I just have a lot of other works to go through at the moment so I aplogize for that.
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:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
There's no rush on critiquing anything of mine. If something catches your eye, just go for it :)

And I am honestly a bit jealous you had the experience of true silence. I cannot find the right environment to listen to the symphony of silence as it properly deserves, though part of me believes I may have experienced it (I cannot properly recall). So many people today are too obsessed with sound, with noise, with movement. Very few people appreciate what it means to slow down and just listen, even if there is nothing to listen to. I believe silence is much more profound than sound, since it can be filled with so much more.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I will surely do that, I try my best to keep both people I watch and my watchers in contact but I have MANY works in my "to be critiques" ^^;

True. Silence holds more to me than sound. Silence holds truth that sounds cannot convey and you are right in being doubtful over whether you actually did manage to hear true silence or not :) one cannot be too sure.
Reply
:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I am actually honored to be put in a folder dedicated to critiques. Most fellow Deviants just comment and give minimal feedback. I admit, I am similar in that aspect most days.

Just feeling like I was near that silence is really good enough for me. You cannot force something profound like that to happen.

Though you wrote "silence that weights itself upon you and suffocates till you cannot breathe" and continued to say "Yet the girl lying in her room realized at that moment that this supposition was nothing but a lie." For me, I recall feeling that in the moment I believe I neared silence.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I try to be a contructive commenter... you would probably never find a comment of mine that says "lovely" or "good work". Of course I cannot comment on EVERY work of an author but still.

The idea of silence to me was not of suffocation... it didn't weigh on me. It was silence which I heard. Kind of hard to put forward ^^;
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:icondompteurloup:
DompteurLoup Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I can relate to it being hard to fully explain. At certain times, my vision will go fully black, and I will see nothing, yet everything in near-perfect detail. It is something that I can bring on myself, though it is very hard to keep up. Just the slightest thought or movement will bring me out of that "sightless" state, and I'll get mildly dizzy.

It is hard to keep up with giving feedback to all the artists on DA, and its even harder for me to keep that feedback from sounding like a broken record. So I'll read or look at works repeatedly as I comment, so as to not give repeated feedback to multiple people. Their effort deserves more than a standard "good work" anyone can hand out.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah, that vision thingy happens with me too and true, it is hard to keep such moments persist. also... I can bet that 70% that say "lovely work" barely bothered with reading the work or did not get it :)
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(1 Reply)
:iconsnow--rose:
snow--rose Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
1. This is a wonderful idea. It made so much sense to me, but as it's been said before, it's given the reader (Me ^_^) a sense of mystery. You say 'Nature is a name enshrouded in mystery', which you have left in your writing. I give you a four and a half! (Just because there is always a little more room for improvement.)
2. It held a lot of interest. I found it rather exciting that you included different human emotions, or feelings. Such as Joy :)
3. The language, or the way you had written this is very soft, but flows very nicely.
4. You wrapped this well with a final statement :D
5. Haha, I continually thought of my own way of breaking silence with music instruments. That requires emotion, so I felt emotion drawn to this writing.
6. I though it was amazing :)

Keep writing awesomely :D
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for the in-depth critique dear. :huggle:
wow! A 4.5 is huge! Most people give me 3 or 3.5. Thanks a lot :) I am glad it made sense to you!

Thank you for your appreciation, I am glad you liked it. It is based on... a true experience. There is a bit extra written near the end but otherwise it is true :) Thank you agin dear :huggle:
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:iconsnow--rose:
snow--rose Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You're welcome! You deserve that rate! Well, if it were a true experience or not, it is still well written :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah... Thank you very much :huggle:
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:iconsnow--rose:
snow--rose Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Welcome :)
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:iconanukeorsplatter:
AnukeorSplatter Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. The idea doesn't seem absurd, it seems pretty original, if there's such thing anymore ;) as of making sense, I give you a 4. It left me curious of why, and sometimes you have to do that to your readers.
2. Yes, very suspenseful, I wanted to see what would happen :3
3. You may have overdone it with the vivid language, because it reminded me of storytelling. That may be what you're going for, though. Overall, it reminded me a little of poetry, because it flowed and sometimes rhymed.
4. The end was satisfying, with a touch of peace and finishing.
5. You tend to repeat things in a sentence, like "for a few brief moments... A brief moment." that's pretty much the only other error I can find, but overall, a very nice piece.
Reply
:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your kind and insightful critique :hug: I am glad you liked it and the vivid language is something that sadly comes with me. If you feel it too overdone, please tell me where :nod:

I will look into the error you saw. Again I am glad you enjoyed my work :)
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:iconanukeorsplatter:
AnukeorSplatter Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No problem! Mostly the words like "Alas" make it sound like it's being told, but that can be a good or bad thing :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Well... it is sort of a story telling and strange... I use that word a lot ^^ I like it I guess.
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:icondarkallegiance666:
darkallegiance666 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012
1. Not in the least bit absurd. I've read stories before where they try to explain true silence....the people in them generally become insane - so cliched. This poem was not cliched - it was beautiful.

2. It kept my interest. I read faster & faster as I went along because I wanted to know what happened (& I was hoping that the woman wouldn't become insane, like in those other stories that I've read).

3, The language was excellent. It suited the subject matter beautifully.

4. The end was totally satisfying.

5. I enjoyed reading it enough to favorite it & to read it all & to answer your questions. I've read books for so many years that I don't really enjoy reading very much on DA, so I often don't bother with poetry & short stories. I must say that I felt good that the poem didn't end happily or with the girl's death or insanity. I liked the way that it was written, & it's an unusual subject matter for somebody on DA. I liked that too!! :D

6. I love the way that you're tackling subjects that are out of the usual run of the usual subjects of poetry on DA. I liked the pacing of the piece, which reminded me a little of the pacing of Ray Bradbury in his short stories. This could just about fit into his "October Country" stories really well. (Bradbuy did NOT have just one voice you know, like people think - he had many. If you doubt this, then read "Jack in the Box" and tell me that you knew by reading it that it was a story by Bradbury!!) :D

Lovely work here, Saeed!!
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
wow... Thank you very much for your comment ! It means a lot to me! Also you have portrayed it much better than I imagined :) I am glad that you like it; I do realize that this topic may not appeal to people in general. I have personally heard the hum and the strumming during a moment of absolute piece so I am not lying about what I wrote.

I also like writing on different things... one of my works is based on a cliff in Japan where many people commit suicide... other short stories on different matters. Some on psychology perhaps. I will look into the writer you just stated :)

Thanks again Dear Auntie :heart:
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:icondarkallegiance666:
darkallegiance666 Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012
Thank you for writing such a beautiful piece of prose, Saeed. It was honestly a pleasure to read it. :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And I love you for that :heart:
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. The idea wasn't absurd. In fact, I loved the paragraph starting with "The girl realized" But before that, I was very confused. The paragraphs in between the italicized emotions were confusing to me, I didn't understand what she was hearing or the purpose. I got the point, but I think there were better ways it could've been delivered. (3.5)
2. Yes, except for where I got confused.
3.Only this section:
"Silence that reminds not one of the rustling paper…
silence that reminds not of the uninvited footstep closing on your door…
silence that reminds not of the knife thrusting in ones chest…"
I didn't fully understand the purpose of the lines, so it felt unnecessary.
4. I love the realization and the paragraph following, I'm not sure what the tie-in to nature is. Do you mean human nature? I thought it was a little anti-climactic, but I also think that was my fault because I had a hard time getting the other part, as well.
5. Less an emotional reaction, more of a thinking one.
6. Reread, you need punctuation in a few more places. Mostly commas. Here are two I noticed:
"The wilderness too hushed" The wilderness, too, hushed
"Alas nature works in" Alas, nature works in
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your critique! The purpose of what she was hearing is an invalid question because she was just hearing it. Think of it this way... her mind was expressing different emotions inside her in the form of sounds. It was her mind and WHY she was hearing this? it was due to the silence. Funnily... the concept that confuses you is the main concept explored. But then again, your confusion means that there was something I missed so I will look into it.

And the portion that felt unnecessary... The examples are of very slight sounds. I will look into them; I guess the right examples were not given and so they confused/ bored the reader than make things clearer.

I am bad at punctuation :P my English was never good xD so I will get the proof read by someone else.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
intricately-ordinary Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I understood why she was hearing it, but the noise description confused me. I understood the reason. If that makes sense.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh :D ... well yup I do realize I went my "old" say of explaining things in long sentences ^^ I will look into it whether I want to change it or not... Thanks again for your feed back :D
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:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. The beginning paragraph about the secrets of nature paved the way well for this idea. It made it seem real but magical, ethereal at the same time. I have thought of the idea of nature 'speaking' as it were before, if not through silence, and you explored in a way that I believe completely (5).
2. It was very interesting, but I felt it meandering at some points. The italicizes words certainly brought it back well, but I think there needs to be more contrast in the beginning few paragraphs, maybe to allow what wasn't there to be felt.
3. I don't think it was overdone; it was poetic and intelligent. One line, "not the slightest shift she took that broke the peace", was awkward to read. There were a few moments like that one, that going over again, out loud even, would help with.
4. The paragraph were she "realized what true silence was" was impressive, I thought; possibly obvious, but it didn't feel cliched or obvious to me. I think it might have worked better if that had been the last thing written, with only the cryptic line about nature following.
5. It made me feel serene, and content to know I'm not alone in feeling that nature is spiritual.
6. Very good work, both mechanics and intent. Anything that could be done to make it more lively, more described action of the dance or the music maybe, would make this incredible.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Although this reply seems rather strange coming after a month but I just relaized I wasn't able to reply properly to your comment. A 5 is a big rating in my opinion but I am glad that you gave it. I also felt it in real so for you to feel it too makes me feel content as well. Thank you for your feedback! I am working on the changes STILL but I hope it will turn out well!
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:iconyogateacher:
YogaTeacher Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No worries! I appreciate your critique as well, but don't get around to editing and changing bits and pieces as quickly as I'd like. I did feel this though, I'm glad you're keeping it active.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
^^ well I will see what i can change when I have time :meow:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your kind feedback! I really appreciate it. I will see in the sentences and also see if that could come at the end.

Thank you again and I am glad you liked it! I hope to improve my works through such opinions.
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:iconivylis:
Ivylis Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. Did the idea seem absurd to you? Explain and tell out of 5, how much it made sense to you.
No,actually it was in fact quite intriguing. Out of 5, I would say my understanding reaches around a 3.5. From what I understood of the piece, it seems to be focused on that moment of silence, when the earth stood still for that very few seconds, in well in the silence, you just hear everything even though the girl was actually hearing silence as stated in the piece," She heard not in the silence but silence itself"

2. Did it keep interest?
Initially yes, but I could feel myself trailing off after a while. The italics in between the paragraphs especially when "Silence" was repeated twice in the row somehow felt slightly redundant to me, especially since the paragraphs before the italics ended with the word "silence" as well. However, in the later part, I like how the italics were used to define the emotions felt within nature.

3. Did the language seem fine or overdone?
The language was fine and descriptive save having a few grammatical errors.

4. Was the end, if not very impressive, satisfying?
Frankly I find it satisfying yet not quite. The last line, "Alas nature works in mysterious ways." gave the piece closure in a sense as truth rings in it but it also leaves the reader curious and wanting to know more, wanting to discover what secrets nature is keeping.

5. Did it have any effect on say... your emotional side?
In a way yes. Living in a city, its like hearing noise at all times of the day. The only truly quiet time is in the dead of night. At times like this I just listen to the silence and let my thoughts drift about. Once or twice I just listened, and well, just, hear. This piece does speak to me in a sense in that few seconds when everything was silent, its when you "hear", but not quite understanding what you "hear", and yet feeling you're not "hearing" everything as well.

6. General comments.
Overall,a good and deep piece. Invokes readers to think deeper and open their eyes to newer things.


Alright haha that's my 2-cents worth ^^, if you don't understand anything or if something is unfair please tell me :), *not used to giving critiques soo.. yeah ^^;*




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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for your kind critique! I really appreciate your opinion. Also a person VERY qualified is not supposed to be writing the critique. It is the general opinion that matters. and so your opinion matters a lot.

I will look into the area and see the repetition of silence... was it that repetition only or was there more to the lack-of-interest area? And I am glad you liked it; I will keep the other things in mind as well! Thank you again!
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:iconivylis:
Ivylis Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
No problem ^^ :)

Mm I would say it was more of the repetition of silence :)
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah okay! Thank you!
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:iconsolarumnyx:
SolarumNyx Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
1. Did the idea seem absurd to you? Explain and tell out of 5, how much it made sense to you.

The concept, to me, seemed very interesting, with a touch of surreal. Out of 5, I would say that personally, I'd give it a 3 or 4. The piece, however, is very pretty nonetheless, and in some cases the vagueness accentuates the prose.

2. Did it keep interest?

In the beginning, yes, though in the middle it trailed a bit. The repetition was a bit overdone, in my opinion, though the piece caught my attention at the end once more.

3. Did the language seem fine or overdone?

The language seemed nice, though a few grammatical errors broke the flow of the story. As stated above, I felt that the repetition could be toned down a bit.

4. Was the end, if not very impressive, satisfying?

It left me with a bit of an unsatisfied feeling, to be completely honest, though I mean that in a good way. It seems that a mystery has been left unsolved, and if you were aiming for that, then kudos to you. c:

5. Did it have any effect on say... your emotional side?

The story evokes various emotions, and it reminds me of those quiet evenings spent observing nature, knowing it for what it was but never truly understanding it.

6. General comments.

Overall, well done. I'd suggest finding a beta to proofread for you, as another person's opinion offers a fresh look at a piece. There were grammatical errors in the story, which mostly consisted of places where I would place commas to keep the flow of the work and a few subject-verb disagreements. With a bit of fine-tuning, I'd say that your writing style is quite touching, and I look forward to seeing any later stories by you. ^^

~p.s. if you felt anything in this critique was unfair, please tell me.
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Firstly... Thank you very much for the detailed critique and the fact that you explained every question as well as being honest. The repetition is you mean of the word Silence? I will reduce it (if that is otherwise please specify).

Where did the attention trail off if I may ask? and due to what factor?

Oh and I didn't mention that if the ending was unsatisfying then in a good way or bad.

I am presently looking for a beta reader myself and hope to get one soon :) thank you again for your critique and I don't feel anything is unfair; it would be if you start insulting me for no reason :aww: which of course you didn't do. Your critique has helped me a lot and I have some other works that are... well more emotional if maybe less descriptive :) Hope to see more of you too and thanks for everything else as well!

P.S I will look into grammar... I am usually unable to spot it.
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:iconsolarumnyx:
SolarumNyx Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
The repetition was mostly from this passage: "Behind it prodded high and low a sweet hum." By itself, the repetition would be acceptable, but the problem lies in that this sentence doesn't make too much sense grammatically. If you could change this, then it would be okay.

To be specific: "prodded" seems an odd word to use in this situation, but still okay, I suppose. The sentence doesn't have anything wrong with it per se, though the wording seems...strange, in my opinion. The word order is what throws me off, I think.

My attention trailed a little bit at the list of emotions, mostly because of the repetition - I paid less attention to it purely because I knew what was coming.

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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
hmm... I will look into a much better sentence or perhaps add a totally different one. Thanks for your input.
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:iconsolarumnyx:
SolarumNyx Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. c:
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