How should I put it... First of all, thank you very much for the bday gift! Yes 17th October was my birthday (also Eminems but who cares).
The work was strangely beautiful. The thing that made it so was the fluidity of the phrases, the way they merged to make simple yet expressive and touching expressions. You know, I say (regardless of rhyme) that poetry shouls "speak" to person. This is what it did for me.
There were emotions in your words, submissive and portraying your mistress as a powerful entity. You portrayed that surprisingly well. The start was strong, the sun tied with a string analogy was well thought of and gives off a strong impression of your imagination.
Then there were also elements that come to ones mind with the term "My Mistress". You did not play the wrong card by exposing diturbing images of that impression. You played witfully with words:
It is the eloquence of her speech
that keeps me playing with fire
here you expressed power of control over you. Both literally and figuratively. A few lines above you also mentioned her passion for you (I don't want to imagine )
with the taste of lust still thick on my tongue
makes a wonderful imagery of how you consider her.
The ending was very well written. Endings really matter to me. Here, I wondered if you would either be unable to bring an end to the emotions and feelings and analogies but you managed to end it well. Mistress of fire eh?
P.S I thought your name was dawn181... never knew some called you Talor as well
Thank you so much for taking a look and taking the time to critique this!! Like I cannot thank you enough for your feedback.
I finished it well then? Yay! That's what I've been struggling with since I've started writing.
Haha my names Taylor, I just like the name Dawn better
You are welcome you do not need to thank me that much
Yup you finished it really well
lol I know
just read the poem. And this critique.
Its good. Its well written. Its got amazing depth.
Much like what you've said here.
Keep writing, ma'am well done