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:iconnotensmsk:
This is a really well written and well formatted work! I am impressed by your skill! You seem to know a lot about formatting... unlike me. I love how you managed to express emotions and different aspects of the poem with formatting and you managed to improve the impact as far as I can see. My poem ... I dunno how it will look if I format it in such a way :hmm:

Now onto questions. This does seem a ballad to me. Although in different places the term ballad also requires similar silzed stanza's which... well this seems to mix them but you can ask one of the admin in Poetry book. I think it is a ballad since it has 2 or more stanza's, tells a tale of emotions and (a very slight bit) romace... and just tells a story. I am positive it falls in the category.

I do like the formatting. It does have an impact and it feels more fun to read with the formatting. You didn't over do it in my opinion and it is good enough for me.

You should work on... I don't see much you should work on.

The first line did feel a bit awkward to me with painting a body with hardened flesh. that felt a bit... strange ^^; didn't get it.

Over all I think it is quite the wonderful work!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconkymira12:
Kymira12 Nov 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you for taking the time yo comment! :heart:

I did ask an admin of #poetry-book and I'm glad they said that it is considered a ballad but now I just have to see if it's good enough :aww:

What I meant by 'He paints his body with / hardened flesh' is that some males literally spray paint abs onto their stomachs because of their insecurities. It also works the same when males physically gain abs or muscles and try to justify it with staying 'healthy' when in reality they take it overboard to keep their vanity. I'll see if I can come up with a better way of saying it before the round ends.

I'm glad you enjoyed it overall though! :D
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are very welcome and apologies for being unable to give as deep a critique as you did! Well I think it is good enough :D

Ah... I do get it now and since that is not the culture in Pakistan, I didn't know of it. But it does make a lot of sense :nod: I wonder if exchanging with in the sentence with mimicking and adding a comma before it might help :D
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:iconkymira12:
Kymira12 Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
It's no problem at all, I'm glad for any help to make it better :aww:

Ah, different cultures would interpret works differently, I'm glad you understand it better now though. About your suggestion, I like it but I don't really understand where the comma would be?
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Oh ^^; I guess it is a style in which I write... I meant He paints his body, mimicking hardened flesh". The comma is not necessary but it can be used as a pause. And of course it is totally up to you if you want to follow this or not :D
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:iconkymira12:
Kymira12 Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're right, I substituted 'with' with 'imitating' and added the comma. It looks and sounds much better, thank you :huggle:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Ah you are very welcome :huggle: I am glad I could help :D
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