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:iconnotensmsk:
1. Tom explained everything really well to his son. I could understand the perspective and words of the child and the way Tom handled him. I am not too sure about getting a kiss from a lady but I guess it would work. And... not really blunt. It was like outright lying and his son would keep believing it.

2. The two parts... well no. The transition was not too rapid. It kind of matched my own writing style I guess. The only thing in part 2 that can be improved is the reaction of the old woman. I think her reaction was not as sad or hopeful as it could be. Had she pulled out a photo from a dusty box (cliche I know) or some locked drawer (again a cliche) and looked at a younger picture and smiled remembering that sweet boy of hers with tears in her eyes. Say... a little more reaction from her side.

3. The ending of part one. When the wife is calling him and then the father calls him.

4. There isn't anything I dislike enough to say the least. even the portion pointed out before was not my least favorite since I understood it well and there was no problem with it. I just advised towards what I think would improve the impact.

5. No grammar mistakes from my side.

6. I loved this story. It reminded me of many ideas I have, of many thoughts that come to my mind occasionally... it reminds me of my own perspective towards life. The old lady sitting there could and could not be you. That is something time will determine along with your actions. Not all people will stay with you and not all those who stay will make you feel less lonely. It is something that used to scare me when I was young but then I... got over it. So a wonderful work that I could relate to.

The title makes it all the more wonderful.

P.S The originality rating is slightly low... not because I have written like this (I don't have a work too similar to this) but because I manage to pick off emotions like these from many works. Don't be worried :aww:
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Student Writer
Wow, I wasn't expecting such a positive review to be honest. :D Thanks, it's nice to know people enjoyed it!

I agree on the old lady's reaction, that could use some work. I'll try to think of something better! :aww: And don't worry, I would've given myself a lower originality rating than you did because this sounds like some kind of cliche movie plot. =P

Thanks for taking the time to answer my questions! :thanks:
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:iconnotensmsk:
NotenSMSK Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are welcome :aww: like I said, it kind of looked as if I was the one writing it :D

Do think over how it can be improved.... the best way is to imagine what YOU would like to read had someone else written it. That works at times for me :aww: well not too cliched ;)
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